I purposely use “X-mas” instead of “Christmas”. I had a fellow bust my chops a couple of times for this on Facebook…I didn’t make much of it until I started getting more emails complaining that I am somehow part of taking the religion out of the holiday.
Understand two things…
FIRST, while for many of you Christmas is a joyful time, for some of us it is a brutal reminder of lose, regret, and emotional scars. It is a time of year, even more so now in the age of social media, where you can do nothing but keep your guard up, and absorb the blows until the bell rings and the referee sends Christmas and you back to your neutral corners and the doc can put smelling salts under your nose to bring you back around. You want to bask in the glow of it all…fine…but some of us can only hope to avoid more pain.
SECOND, I am responsible for some of the most despicable stories ever written in the name of “comedy”. I have written works turned down by countless entities I’ve worked for due to content, including Mad Magazine and Comedy Central. I have been to horror conventions where the most girded cynical punks have felt unease upon reading a bit of Arsenic Lullaby…have had Horror Movie Pros lament that they don’t hit the sweet spot as solidly as I.
When I want to offend somebody, or stick a finger in the eye of something sacred, YOU…WILL…KNOW IT!
Here is where you need to ask yourself…WHY you want every single entity to use the term “Christmas” in the first place. I thought is was a sacred Holiday?! I could have sworn I heard of a passage in the Bible where Christ threw a bunch of guys out of the temple for making a profit in a sacred place at a sacred time. Why on earth are you now BITCHING that not enough people are using the Holiday to make a quick dollar?! W…T…F?! Do you really WANT Walmart to use your religious event to sell cheap crap made by Chinese slaves? And Walmart is one thing…Arsenic Lullaby is yet another. Maybe you can sleep soundly at night if I use the actual name to sell zombie fetus jokes…but me , myself, personally…I have enough to answer for already.
Aside from the many horrible things I have written…I have DONE many horrible things, and I don’t need to show up at the pearly gates, if there is such a thing, with a giant exclamation point on the end of my list of horrible sh*t to answer for in the form of making a few extra dollars by using the birth of Christ to sell comic books of questionable content ( the money then used for questionable activities).
Take a look…a good hard look at what I do for a living (below), and ask yourself if you REALLY think it is a good idea for your sacred holiday to be used to promote it. …I DON’T. And if this one little exclusion of the name “Christ” in my promotion might possibly be the difference between me getting anally raped with a flaming pitchfork for eternity, and just being sent back as a horsefly to try again, then I am going to exclude it. It’s my anus, not YOURS. And in all of my semi drunken exploits I cannot recall the notion of taking a pitchfork up my bum seeming to be a good idea…and trust me, I have tried a lot of things. If I ever did , I have mercifully repressed those memories for a reason. In any case, having an eternity of it would probably be disagreeable. SO…I will be calling it the “Xmas” Bomb shelter and using “xmas” this time of year…for my own sake, and for the spirit in which many of us, who do not have blissful memory after blissful memory, to share on social media. While some of you think I should be doing otherwise…I suggest you rethink how close YOU are to taking a pitchfork up the keester for eternity, and if you want “badgered Douglas into using a sacred holiday to lead more souls into damnation” on YOUR resume upon judgement.
It’s called the “Law of Unintended Consequence” . That’s what I will tell you when we are cheek to cheek being violated by a middle management demon.
Now, a lot of decent people are stable enough to be wildly entertained by my work and not have it cost them any substantial blow to their Karma…and that’s great. Perhaps it even lets them appease their inner demons and go about their righteous day, and that’s great. By all means go to my online store and get them a X-mas gift. You can’t do much better as far as funny, unique, and memorable, but don’t expect me to take one step closer to a pitchfork colonoscopy in order for you to do so.
coupon code – humbug- will get you 20% OFF you total order. I’ll even autograph everything you buy in case your recipient wants proof of an accomplice in the blackening of their soul. But I didn’t call it a “Christmas” sale. And that is what I will be screaming while my lower track is widened by the red hot middle spear of a pitchfork.