Valentine’s Day is here and spring is around the corner, so romance is in the air.  Given the …visual quality of women I’ve dated, many think it is wise to come to me for answers on romance.  I have no answers for you on that, I can only tell you how to land someone who’s hot…the emotional headfirst fall down three flights of stairs…you’re on your own with that part.

As far as landing someone who’s hot, that’s simple.  be good looking and devastatingly charming.

The good looking part is most important.  Luckily for you, because while a gifted surgeon can give you the looks that nature refused to, he cannot give you my charm.  If you’re good looking though, you’ll get a few extra swings at the plate before they figure out/give a damn that you are dull as a bag of hammers. 

It’s sad but true.  If John Cuszak looked like John Lovetz, his light hearted romantic comedies would have all been suspense thrillers where the crazed stalker gets shot in the face at the end.  Standing under someones window with a radio playing their favorite song only works if you’re good looking. So be good looking.

As far as winning someone over…it really can’t be done.  All those movies and songs where persistence wins the day…all crap.  People, Women especially, make up their minds in the first two minutes.  Call it chemistry, or intuition, or what have you… If they don’t like you romantically from the start…move on.  No amount of romantic antics will supersede that initial decision.  It will only waste your time and make you look like a pathetic looney stalker that they laugh about with guys like me.

On the up side….that initial decision, if they do like you, will supersede a lot of screwing up on your part.

To that end…allow me to tell you a story of one of my own attempts at romance.

Years ago… early 20’s I think… I had a girlfriend and decided she was due for something romantic.  I have these magic moments where I think about someone besides myself…thankfully they are few and far between.  Thankfully for everyone, as you will soon understand.

It was spring and there were a lot of fireflies around and she mentioned how pretty they where…and she was right.  It was pretty in the early evening with fireflies floating around.  So later that week, I…unbeknownst to her…collected several dozen.  And, after a romantic dinner we went back to her place and inevitably to her bedroom where I …on the sly…released the fireflies so that the pretty scene would be recreated there.

Rather than her seeing the beauty and romance of it all, she was….less than thrilled that there were several dozen insects in her bedroom.


Seriously…I did that.  I thought that was a good idea to do.

I thought a woman would find it romantic for bugs to be flying around while we are naked in bed.  In retrospect…it gives me the heebee jeebees.  I don’t even like it when a pet is in the room.  One of two things goes through my head 1-how am I supposed to stay in the mood while your dog is barking? 2-Why isn’t your dog barking?…you’re dog isn’t the least bit unsettled by what’s going on here?  I’m already unsettled and I’ve had a few drinks and understood the human conversation that went on before hand…what the hell went on in here before you met me, that your dog can calmly chew on a dog toy while are doing this?

Anyways…don’t ask me for help with romance.

Be good looking and charming…the woman in question kept me around even after the firefly incident, and it wasn’t because of my brains.  She eventually ended up with someone else.  Someone also good looking, but didn’t bring insects into her bedroom…or any of the other nonsense that comes with dating me…much of it less amusing that the firefly incident.

Good luck to you.  And if you are alone on Valentine’s day…you actually are not alone.  You are part of the biggest club on earth. We’ve all been there, we’ve all been miserable, had our hearts broken, broken the hearts of others.  Love is an awful, gutwrenching sick game with no rules and no referee and everyone has to wear a blindfold. 

Oh…and here’s a comic from the archives…

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