I really don’t need to know who Captain America F*cks

Just when I thought the internet couldn’t become any more banal, idiotic and myoptic…I see a story about some hashtag movement wanting Captain America to become gay.

Do you realize it’s an election year? If you are wondering why we have the two tragically flawed candidates that we do…you need look no further than this.  Everything going on in the world and there are people out there who think this needs to happen/be discussed.

Is it a debilitating attention deficit disorder? Have you such a need to argue but so little an attention spam that you have run out of things to jam a hot button issue into? Who won’t bake a birthday cake for who, what bathroom should someone legally use in some state I’ve never been to, What…the …f*ck?  These are arguments not worth having for 90% of the population.  The correct answer for each of these questions is “what do I care? I have my own problems right in my own back yard”.  Right now in your own state, in your own city, there is something asinine being forwarded by one of your representatives and you have no f*cking clue, because you are arguing about who can use the woman’s room in another time zone.  You wanna know why that bill got as far as it did? Because the a-holes who lived there, while this was gestating…weren’t paying attention, because they were worried about who’s not willing to bake a wedding cake for someone in Indiana.  And all the while all this is going on…Trump and Hilary become our two choices for the President of the united states.

By focusing on everything, you are focusing on nothing.

Congratulations. Trump vs Hilary 2016.

How about you assign some sense of priority to what you decide is worth your time to pay attention too? And what is worth making others aware of? hmm?

LGBT community…I ask you, if you could trade not being able to get a wedding cake from some hole in the wall bakery in Indianapolis for – everyone getting there heads out of their asses 9 months ago and us having better choices for President right now, would you? I bet you would.

Conservative community, how many gay wedding cakes would you be willing to bake right now for the same option I just gave the LGBT’s?  You’d probably be willing to bake ALL the gay wedding cakes.

Well guess what, it’s too late.  And it’s probably too late for whatever’s next because there are people out there discussing A FICTIONAL SUPER HERO’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

So, let’s talk Captain America.  Why make him gay exactly? hmm? what purpose does that serve?  Everyone is going to accept homosexuality then?  It’s going to give that community someone to look up to?  If you think this , you are a bigger jackass than the jackasses you are hoping to stymie. FIRST off, they have people to look up to. You’d know that if you actually gave a crap. SECOND, I try to put myself in the other persons shoes. If I where gay, I would be good and sick of having my sexual orientation being front page news every week.  Good and sick of it being trivialized with horsecrap like this.  And I would be wondering why, people who claim to care so much, ain’t simply supporting literary work, and entertainment created by homosexuals or at the very least by people who understand the trials and tribulations and take it seriously.  Because making a 70 year old comic book character with wings on his head and a bullet proof shield become gay, out of the clear blue sky, is not a serious way to handle it or a mature understanding of what it means to realize you are gay.

THIRD, all this little movement does it continue to make homosexuality a “subject”. Something we are all discussing…which IS THE OPPOSITE OF ACCEPTANCE.  My sister has brown hair, i don’t love her any more or any less because she has brown hair.  She has brown hair, that’s the way things are, it doesn’t make any difference to me, and it never comes up.  Why would it? It’s her hair, not mine, what do I care?  That’s acceptance. THIS is more like morbid curiosity, where you can’t seem to let it go out of your own prurient interest any more that the people who can’t let it go out of disapproval. Those people are believe it or not a tiny tiny tiny minority in 2016, and YOU giving them a voice by giving them this cap hashtag to react to …allows them to voice their disapproval masked behind this absurd issue, rather than looking like obsessed Luddites by just voicing their disapproval to homosexuality out of nowhere…CLEAR TO ALL as being triggered by ONLY their own disapproval.

I’m not gay, so let’s take an ideology I believe in that others think is wrong. I am a Christian. If things were turned around and there was some movement to make Aladdin a Christian, I’d be embarrassed and annoyed.  It would be an absurd Idea, ruin a perfectly good story and trivialize what I believe in, as though you can just plug any character into that and have it seem reasonable.  And I’d be insulted. he just out of the clear blue sky one day decided that, that was in his heart? Like he’s the Grinch who stole X-mas?  No weeks, months or years of reflection and soul-searching? Just like that huh? I can’t imagine a bigger slap in the face.

If i was gay and you came up to me with this idea…as though *BAM* he’s gay now and it’s as simple as that, I think I’d kick you right in the ass.

But most importantly, and going back to my original point. WHAT IS THE POINT OF RUNNING THIS IDEA UP THE FLAGPOLE?  There is no end to other things you can argue about that are ACTUAL NEWS…ACTUAL REALITY.  Captain America DOESN’T EXIST. He’s NOT REAL.  He is a comic book super hero/action movie hero.  You know…comic books, movies…things we turn to as a form of ESCAPE FROM ADULT REALITY.  I don’t need to know who he’s F*cking.  I don’t want to see him kissing ANYBODY. I didn’t pay to see him kissing Hawkeye, the Black Widow, Vision, or the Cosmic Cube. I paid to see him punching bad guys in the head. PERIOD. AMEN.  Remember the movie Predator?  Did Arnold screw anyone in that movie? Did he have some budding relationship? or did he shoot bad guys and fight an alien?  Who goes to these movies wondering what the characters sexuality is?!  You wanna think he’s gay, go ahead and think he’s gay, you wanna think he’s straight, go ahead and think he’s straight..you wanna know what I think?  I think he’s not punching enough bad guys in the head. He’s been yacking with Nick Fury for like five minutes…LET’S GO! I PAID FOR SOME ACTION.

Remember, before you hit puberty, how great life was?  And then you discovered sex and life became an awkward, frustrating, uncomfortable, aggravating mess with brief intervals of physical pleasure.  Think about every mistake and regret you have from age 16 on….what percentage of that can be traced back to you becoming a sexually aware individual?  Either rooted in heartache, or yearning, or frustration, or awkwardness, or trying to impress someone, or your head just not being in the game… 98%? 99%?

Childhood was a simpler time, and for many a comforting time to revisit, and super heroes represent, and are for those still in, that period. Can’t you leave that alone?! Can’t there be one single  oasis, where we are all just be kids again watching super heroes fight bad guys?! It that too much to ask?!

These things are around for some of us to forget all the nonsensical arguments that go on all day.  and you couldn’t just  let us have it could you?  What is the point?! other than to force 2016 adult reality into something that was created for five years olds in 1939.

I was at a comic book convention in Madison and some woman asked me if any of my characters where GLBT.  My first thought, and answer was this ” (long pause…shrug) I don’t know”.  How the hell do I know?! When would it ever come up?  I don’t even know what ethnicity Voodoo Joe is, he wears a mask all the time. What difference does it make?  Does every single thing in your life have to revolve around people’s sexuality? Forget leaving us alone with all this occasionally, how about giving YOURSELF a break?  How about just enjoying something for what it is?


Good lord…take a step back!


 POW! Take that Hitler!  That’s all that needs to be said, do we really need to know who Cap F’d the night before?!

By the way, we have a Memorial Day sale going on.  Coupon code – Mem16- is good for 25% off. You can get comics, art, and other stuff at our online store.  and all the characters are gay, or straight, whatever you want, because it never comes up because that has nothing to do with any of the stories.

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