here are this weeks spoilers as the show airs…this page will be updated as the show airs…
Upon realizing that three of their people are missing , including the guy with the crossbow, the old broad, and the comedic relief black guy, the sheriff decides they should go look for them.
The kid in the sheriffs hat then has an outburst-
“Aw what the f*ck? How many times are we going the get separated, do we have to get you people child leashes or what?! F*ck those guys, The only thing I’m willing to go out and look for is a sixteen year old girl. Do you realize I am freshly into puberty for f*cks sake? What do I give a flying F*CK about any of the three that left? From now on no one leaves the group, in fact from now on we bathe in pairs. I pick the black girl with the samurai sword.”
After much arguing and negotiation, they decide they will all bathe together – boy girl boy girl and look directly at the sky during the process.
The kid in the sheriffs hat abides by that rule for exactly 8 seconds.
the entire trip to DC the kid in the sheriffs hat and the black lady with the samurai sword interact in tense awkward silence.
When they get to the military base in Washington the genius guy with the mullet creates a counter virus…that accidentally turns the bulk of the rest of humanity into vampires. a great vampire zombie war escalates outside the base. The carnage is observed from on top of a wall by the entire team. The kid in the sheriffs hat pushes the black lady with the samurai sword off the wall and she is engulfed by zombies and vampires. He turns to the team “anyone else have anything to say?” The sheriff turns to the team “uhm…I’ve been meaning to point out…he looks a lot more like his mother than me…other-physical traits- came from her as well”. He is also pushed off the edge and devoured. The kid in the Sheriffs hat then declares ” I officially have the 6th largest functional penis on earth…you all just remember that!”
The second attempt at creating a counter virus turns humanity in zombie vampires…that can turn into bats that fly really slow and moan.
a third attempt creates vampire zombies…mindless creatures that wear tuxedos and capes , but really shabby ones…and they only eat your neck.
A fourth attempt produces a male enhancement pill for the kid in the sheriffs hat because ” F*ck it, nothing else is working, might as well take a step back and solve a smaller problem.” he is shot by the kid in the sheriffs hat immediately after saying this.
Russian troops swarm the perimeter of the base, there is a giant battle between them and the vampire zombies, and zombie vampires, and regular zombies, …pew pew pew pop kablaoon, pew pew arrrrrgghh, bit bite pow pow kalbalm powpowpowpow kapow AAAHHH!! bite bite pop pewpew pow pow kalbalm powpowpowpow kapow AAArrggggHHH!! bite bite pop pewpew pew pew arrrrrgghh, bit bite pow pow kalbalm powpowpowpow kapow AAAHHH kaboomm! Kapow! bang bang bang bite grab bite bite bite bang pow!
pewpew pew ratatatatatatatatat! Bite bite pow pow pow. kablammoooooo! ban bang bite chomp chomp AAARRR MY ARM pop pop Bite Bite kapowee! Chomp Chomp! pew pew pewp pew pew KABMOOOMM pew pewp bang bang bang bang bang bang POP POP pew pew!
bang bang bite grab bite bite bite bang pow!
pewpew pew ratatatatatatatatat! Bite bite pow pow pow. kablammoooooo! ban bang bite chomp chomp AAARRR pop pop Bite Bite kapowee! Chomp pewpew pew ratatatatatatatatat! Bite bite pow pow pow. kablammoooooo! bang bang.
Russians storm into the base and rescue the genius guy with the mullet in order to create an anti virus in their lab and hold the entire world hostage with the cure! The red headed army guy somehow snuck behind the Russian platoon into perfect position to stop the kidnapping and is tackled by the kid in the sheriffs hat before either of them are spotted. . The Russians escape with possibly the only man who can save humanity.
The Kid in the sheriffs hat whispers as the last few Russian troops leave-“Let them take him to a lab that is not being overrun…where there is at least some hope, and also…the pill he gave me didn’t work at all so screw him”
This concludes our broadcast day