Lemme tell you something about this turtle

Maybe it’s just my newsfeed…but I keep seeing this guy.

..he’s usually accompanied by text and such about keeping our oceans clean and not polluting.

Okay…fine, great.  Me, myself, personally, I don’t give a crap if one second after I die there isn’t a single drop of clean water, breathable air, or any fuel.  But that’s just me…I don’t care. I mean “I don’t care” in the truest sense of the phrase, meaning if you all DO care and want to keep this place clean…fine.  I’ll throw my garbage in the garbage can, recycle whatever..it’s no big hardship. If everyone want the planet pollution free, you’ll get no argument from me.

BUT in regards to this mutherf*cker…

This mutherf*cking turtle, who when he was about the size of a soda can, managed to swim half way into a plastic ring the same size as him…

Stop and think about how f*cking big the ocean is…and realize that this dipsh*t, who is smaller than a shoe-box managed to swim into a plastic six pack ring set. This is like driving a motorcycle in the middle of the Arizona desert in broad daylight and hitting a pine tree that someone threw away. This asshole had the ENTIRE ocean to swim in and managed to get stuck in a fucking 10×6 piece of plastic.

Actually, that looks like a freshwater turtle… I’m not a marine biologist though.  Let’s just, for his sake, say he’s freshwater and so was in a river or a lake.  He STILL had like FOREVERS-WORTH of water to swim in without getting stuck in one of these things.  F*ck..let’s say he was in a bathtub. Let’s say he was in a BUCKET.  That’d be like one of those games at the carnival you can’t win.  You could swish that bucket back and forth for an entire afternoon and not get the ring around the turtle.  Somehow this mutherf*cker swam INTO a plastic ring, far enough so that it wouldn’t come off…stuck so well in place, that he ended up growing into turtle adulthood still stuck in it.

I will tell you right now. This wasn’t the plastic’s fault.  This little sh*tbag was f*cking around when he got himself stuck, I guarantee you that.  Turtles can see and swim underwater well enough to catch food and avoid natural danger. They spend a lot of time underwater avoiding things or chasing things, and they don’t do it carrying around a little stick to poke around in front of them like a blind guy.  How does a turtle just accidentally swim into one of these? He doesn’t, he was f*cking around.  He is the turtle equivalent of this asshole…

Or this one…

Or this dumbass

same, same….

The amazing thing to me is this asshole managed to live long enough to become deformed by the plastic.  Because make no mistake, even by turtle standards this is a dumb…asshole.  That plastic might have actually saved his life because, encumbered as he was, he was unable to swim into even dumber and more dangerous situations.

If he didn’t fuck around and get stuck in this, he would have been fucking around and got his head stuck in some driftwood, or been showing off and got to close too an alligator.

And this entanglement happened in water, let me remind you…Where everything is floating and drifting.  So, you’d have to REALLY be trying, to manage to swim into something that’s only a little wider than you, when that thing is really light weight.  This had to take some effort.  This is a thing you have to think over…back up…eyeball the distance a bit…

This was the turtle equivalent of this actually

same thing

Fuck this turtle, he got what he deserved, I hope he’s dead.  I hope he died before having any children and littering the turtle gene pool.

And no this isn’t going to be a story in an issue of Arsenic Lullaby, because the only thing he deserves to have written about him is an obituary.

What a f*cking idiot.


When Douglas is not complaining, he and his work can be found here


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