Some dumb a-hole broke into my car

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You call that trying to steal a Car?

Life…likes to pile on you. Bad things come in bunches, USUALLY it’s right before the big convention or during some soul crushing deadline. So, after two different laptops crapped out and I walked to my car to see it had been broken into, I said “Go ahead life, get it all out of your system, now.”

I’m guessing by the complete incompetence of the attempt at stealing my car, that this was teenagers who have seen too many movies. When I was their age my friends and I could have disassembled my entire car down to the frame in 8 hours. I know this because we disassembled a car down to the frame in 8 hours. It wasn’t stolen and we rebuilt it, engine and all, it over a summer. That’s the stuff kids did before the Internet. We had our moments of incompetence. The engine started on fire, briefly, but I can tell you that we certainly wouldn’t have botched an auto theft to this degree.

Let’s start with the breaking in of the car.

We see here that they pried the door skin open and probably cracked the window doing that. The prying of the door skin is the result of not knowing how to use a “slim jim”. That’s a long flat tool for popping open a door lock. It looks like a two-foot long metal ruler with a flat hook cut into it. It’s warped/bent so you can slide it in between the window and doorskin and hook the metal rod attached to the lock. It’s really not that hard, unless you’re a complete moron and slide it in facing the wrong way. In which case it will never work even after you pry the door apart trying to look in to see where to hook it. Of course, I’m probably giving too much credit in assuming he had a slim jim. He possibly had a coat hanger. A plastic one and it fell into the door and maybe he pried the door to try to get it back out

If you’re in a hurry, you’re better off just breaking the window right from the start. That makes it far less expensive for the person who’s car you are going to fail to steal.

This here…I have no earthly idea of where’s, what’s or why’s of.

That shrapnel on the floor mat are parts of the steering column and interior that the moron tore off a bit at a time trying to…I’m not sure what.

Stealing a car isn’t like in the movies, where you slide under and flick a red wire onto a green wire. That will only start the car, not unlock the steering wheel. If you don’t unlock the wheel, you can’t steer the car. Some movies show the thief cracking the steering column to unlock the wheel. I ASSUME that’s what this mess is about. Although, I’m really not sure. This…this is just a moron with a hammer and a screw driver who watched a movie and hopped into my car and whacked away, having no understanding of what that screwdriver should be put into, or what to do if he/she magically got it there.

If somehow, the vandal (I say vandal because this imbecile did not rise to the level of thief) sees this, I say to him-

what in the f*ck did you think any of this was going to do? You f*cking imbecile. You should be ashamed of yourself. I wish I could come up with a better word than moron. But I can’t. You cannot simply pound a screwdriver into the spot where the key goes. That will NEVER work…not by itself. There is a SIMPLE but necessary first step. I’d explain it to you, but you’d probably end up with the screwdriver bouncing back into your eye and bleeding all over some other guy’s car. The way you were doing this was NEVER going to unlock the steering wheel. Never. This here…

This is equal to trying to get a woman pregnant by sticking your nose up her ass.

You’re an idiot.

Stealing most models of cars, while not that complicated, is not as simple as tapping two wires together and pounding a screwdriver into the ignition lock.  If is was people would be stealing cars every time they ran out of gas. There would be no other forms of crime, besides crimes of passion. I’d love to ask…did you really think it was that easy? and the only thing needed beyond seeing it done in a movie and really doing it was some good old fashioned moxie?

Did you think “by gum, no more worrying about money for me! I got me a hammer, and I got me a screwdriver and I’m gonna be a car thief. done and done! Crack and Roll Johnny, that’s what I’ll call myself!”

And you left the thing so mangled…I mean…did you think this was going to…how were you gonna…what the fu… Just stop. Stop your life of crime now. Because, you are headed for a life in prison. And not even all at once, so you could get your bearings in the big house. Just one three-year prison term after the next for “attempted this or that” until you die. That means entering prison, not knowing any one, not being there for anything impressive, and being treated like a bitch until people get tired of beating on you. And by the time those people get tired of beating on you, your term will be over. You’ll go back into the world, end up in a new jail where people are not yet tired of beating on you…rinse/repeat.

Have you seen the episode in Breaking Bad where the guy has an ATM fall and crush his skull? That’s you. You’re not Walt, or Jessie, or Tuco, or the scary Cartel enforcers or the Neo Nazis, you’re not even Jessie’s loser buddies…you are they guy who gets his head crushed with an ATM. That’s who you are.

And it doesn’t matter, really, if you turn away from a life of crime. You’ll just end up being the central air repairman who falls down a ventilator shaft on a Friday and dies of dehydration over the weekend, or the roofer who shoots himself in the forehead with a nail gun or the construction worker who walks into oncoming traffic to get his coffee cup that’s rolled away…-BEEEP BEEEEP *SPLAT*

F*cking idiot. I have a starter disable switch anyhow, so that car wasn’t going to start even if this dope did know what he was doing. A starter disable switch is a device that disconnects the circuit from the ignition to the battery, so that even when the key is turned the car will not start. This is very useful IF the person trying to steal your car actually knows how to steal a car. It does not prevent an idiot from destroying your steering column trying to learn how.

AND, while f*cking about with the steering column, and failing, do you think he was smart enough to check the trunk for something to steal? Nope. If he were…there he would have found about 200.00 worth of tools…including a slim jim and an ignition bump switch and various other implements that, while are meant for repair, could be used to steal the very car he was mutilating.

I would have loved to see the footage of this attempt. Was he thoughtfully looking over the steering column, trying to recall how they did it on some movie? Or was it an adrenaline-fueled panic of hammering? At what point did the idiot realize he did not actually know how to steal a car? Did he upon tearing out the entire locking mechanism then realize that even though the column was finally unlocked that he had no idea which of the 36 wires he was looking at had to be tapped together? Or did he after tearing that out still try to drive the hammer into the lock, not knowing that it didn’t matter anymore? These are questions I have. The anger will come later; right now I’m just confused and disappointed.

Oh, and by the way…I WANT MY ENERGY DRINK BACK YOU C*CKSUCKER! It was right in that cupholder, and now it’s gone. Stealing something for money  is one thing, but stealing an energy drink…that’s just, the lowest of the low. That just points to how you were raised. One can only imagine your mother was too busy $%#&ing the *&^% of homeless men in alleys when she should have been raising you.  Had to be more than that, even. She must have brought you along, to hold their pants, maybe had you take a turn.  That’s the only explanation for someone eventually growing up and stealing an energy drink. Those homeless men would look down on you for taking that drink.  Those filthy homeless disease ridden oafs who your mother *&%$ed in back alleys, who fought over half eaten food from dumpsters, would look at you in disgust.

They’d say “that little kid, who held my pants while I *&^%ed his mother on a pile of wet newspapers grew up to do something like that? Wadda piece of sh*t.  I’m glad I wore condoms when @#$%ed his mother…because if there was even a chance, that was my child…that would just be too much to bare. I’d hang myself.  I wore them because she really had some issues down there, but anything I would have caught would be ten steps up from having a child like that.”

SO…I need a new door, and a new steering column and several parts for the dashboard. If you’ve been contemplating getting any Arsenic Lullaby comics or prints, now’d be a great time to get them, knowwhatImean. Arsenic Lullaby Online Store.

And seeing as how I can’t drive anywhere, I have plenty of time for commissions. Contact me at for that.

Thanks in advance.

Coupon code – voodoo – is good for 20% off your entire order at the

Arsenic Lullaby Online Store The store loads slow AF, we’re working on it.

The Devils’ Digest (s)
Arsenic Lullaby’s greatest stories from the original comic book run have been reprinted at last! Douglas Paszkiewicz himself chose the cream of the crop from those early issues and we collected them in to These…collections.  MORE INFO HERE


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