I hate everything you love


I am so alone


You people are actually entertained by this crap?

I am a very bright guy (just a point or two below actual genius), and I am a writer, and I have a bit of hyper vigilance.  Combine all that and you have the perfect formula for hating allot of things other people like.  I realize this.  I realize that just because I sit and watch an episode of Game of Thrones and scream at the t.v. “how the f*ck does a civilization that still uses a blacksmith, also have the technology to make printed and bound books?!”… “How is it they have stained glass windows but no telescope?!”.  I understand that probably no one notices..or cares.  I understand that you can be entertained by something even if it is a bit absurd at the edges.  I like westerns, but know that someone else is screaming at their T.V. ” how many bullets does a six shooter hold Assholes?!…SIX..IT ONLY HOLDS SIX!!!”

I want you to know that I am willing to understand looking past things and accepting that some things are entertainment for the sake of entertainment.  “Skyfall” was not an attempt to compete with a movie like “Munich” for realism, I know this.  I like James Bond movies.

HOWEVER…when a movie crosses into NOT MAKING ANY SENSE AT ALL…AT…ALL, and everyone else raves about how great it is, it really makes me feel like the last man on earth.  Like I am in some sort of twilight zone where no one matured past 6th grade.

*spoiler warning* If you haven’t seen james bonds latest “Skyfall* …don’t.  Also I will be going into detail and giving away large parts of the movie.

Skyfall was great for the first five minutes, as soon as the opening song/video/opening credits were over…it stopped making any sense.

I don’t mean “didn’t make any sense” like large lizards (kimono dragons, hila monsters) don’t attack their prey and drag them kicking and screaming into dark caves, they bite them once with poisoned teeth and follow them until they die and then eat them.  Lizards are cold blooded creatures ..unless it was 90 degrees in that fancy bar they wouldn’t have been moving much at all.  I don’t mean things like that. I mean this- the villain’s motivation ( as we were lead to believe by his own typical villain speech) was to kill the old broad.  He set up a computer bank, embezzled billions, created a hacking program more advance than the world has ever known, stole secret hard drives, leaked information on spies, created a giant complicated scheme…just to shoot an old broad?!

“but that’s James Bond villains, they want to cut you up with a fancy laser or drop you in a pit of poison spiders…”

NO!  He wasn’t looking for a poetic end…he made several attempts to just shoot her. He JUST wanted her dead…that’s ALL.  NOTHING he did in the firts 60% of the movie had anything to do with simply killing her. It made no sense.  He allowed himself to be taken hostage (by the way if they had just watched The Avengers last summer they would have known not to bring the bad guy into their base and hold him in a glass tube…the entire scene was lifted from The Avengers…all they needed was for the bad guy to put bond into the tube and drop it from the sky and it would have been the exact same scene).  AFTER he escaped with a giant elaborate scheme ( and the second extended chase scene of a movie that was 30% one guy running after another guy)…he ran into a hearing and tried to shoot her. No lasers, no poison spiders, he just ran in and shot at her.  There was no need for anything that happened previously if all he wanted to do was run in and shoot her.  It didn’t make any sense.

Bonds motivation (we are lead to believe) was to protect the old broad, and shoot and capture or kill the villain. HIS PLAN…was to take the broad far far away from the protection of mI6 and every single human who would be able to help him…to an abandoned mansion in the middle of nowhere …where the only assistance he had was an old groundskeeper.  WHAT?!

But wait, there’s more. He does this without telling MI6 so they can send help and ambush the villian..but wait, there’s more.  Two guys from MI6 know of his plan and sign off on it…but DON’T SEND HELP. ?????

None of that makes ANY SENSE.

I am talking about the actual plot and motivations here…this movie made no sense. I am not talking about the “A-Team-ish scene in which they booby trap the mansion …where some script writer thinks taking a perfectly good shotgun and sawing off half the barrel makes it better.  It doesn’t by the way, people use sawed off shotguns because you can hide them…not for functionality.  Sawing off half the barrel actually makes it harder to aim and reduces the velocity of the shells after they are fired making it more useless against attackers wearing any kind of body armour.  Now, the average guy doesn’t now that, but JAMES F*CKING BOND should know that.  I am also not talking about some script writer thinking that taking an emptied shotgun shell, tying a back of nails to in and screwing it into a light bulb socket will result in a explosion spewing shrapnel everywhere that kills people…it won’t by the why. Same principle of the shotgun barrel…with no compression there is no explosion and the nails would not fly off in any direction with any worthwhile velocity.  Here is what would happen (IF they are lucky enough for the electrical current to actually ignite the gunpowder) the gun powder would burn, the bag would melt, and the nails would fall on the floor.  FINE, the scrip writer of JAMES BOND knows ZERO about how guns work …fine.  I am not taking about that.  I am talking about things like the raiding party storming the mansion and shooting the place up.  I thought the VILLAN wanted to be the one who killed the broad. If he just wants her dead and doesn’t care WHO kills her, he could have had the bad guy from THE FIRST SCENE kill her instead of stealing a hard drive.

But as long as we are talking about minor details that make no sense…at one point Bond is trying to cross a frozen marsh. He takes about ten paces onto the ice and the villain shows up. Bond shoots through the ice and FALLS THROUGH. IT’S A MARSH!  A marsh is not THE OCEAN.  He would have sunk to about his waste.  This was some magical marsh that even though is only about 40 feet across, is apparently 100 yards deep.  Bond sinks and swims all around…did I mention it was FROZEN?!  Fine…the script writer is from L.A. and doesn’t know frozen water is cold and Bond would have had about 30 seconds before his body stopped communicating with his brain and froze to death.  Fine…he should AT LEAST KNOW WATER IS WET.  Bond makes it out of the magical marsh and two minutes later is COMPLETELY DRY.  I sat up and starred at the screen in disbelief…his hair was DRY.

ED WOOD would have know better.

Bond kills the villain by throwing a knife into his back…which was foreshadowed earlier when the old groundskeeper said ” I am hereby foreshadowing how Bond will kill the villain”…okay he didn’t use those exact words…but it was pretty close.

The plot made no sense, characters made no sense, the action scenes made no sense. At this point in the movie I am ready for anything…OR SO I THOUGHT.  Towards the end…Bond is on the roof of MI6 headquarters looking over the skyline of his fair city…when the female agent brings him a box the old broad left him in her will.  She walks over to Bond and says THIS…SHE ACTUALLY SAYS “I didn’t know you could get up here”.  Without explaining the entire conversation left me break down what she meant-“here” being the roof and “you” being the editorial “you” meaning “us or anyone”. I was actually screaming “then what the f*ck are you doing there”.  If you didn’t know there was a way up there…why did you go there?  Were you just wandering around opening doors?!  WTF!?!?!?!?!  More importantly, THIS IS THE WORST SPY ON EARTH.  SHE DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS A WAY ONTO THE ROOF OF HER OWN F*CKING BUILDING?!

It was the cherry on the top of the worst movie I have seen in years.

Maybe you are thinking “what’s the big picture here Doug?” Because I usually use stuff like this as a metaphor to point out something about politics or the human condition.

There is no big picture.  I just watched that movie and remembered how much everyone loved it and told me I should see it…and I felt very very alone.


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