If there is one thing I have learned from being a football fan for all these years it is this- It is not too often that your team wins a super bowl. Even when your team is as awesome as the New England Patriots, it is a rare thing. And you should savor that victory. You should enjoy it.
So that is what I am going to do. I am going to enjoy it…and GLOAT! Lord knows if the Pats had lost the WHOLE world would be piling on right now about how they didn’t deserve to be there because they are cheaters and blah blah blah.
You know who didn’t deserve to be there? the seahawks, hell according to spellcheck that isn’t even a word! Your crappy team barely even beat the Green Bay Packers, so you should have known right off you couldn’t beat the Patriots. The Packers are a lot like the Patriots, except stupid. There coach…get this…their coach was so damn dumb, he was right on the one yard line in the playoffs and DIDN’T RUN THE BALL! What a MORON! The only thing dumber than that is YOUR dumbass coach, who even though he beat the packers because they were too stupid to run the ball that close to the endzone…makes the EXACT SAME MISTAKE TWO WEEKS LATER! BWHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaa!!!! HAHAHAHAAAAhahahaAAAbwhahaaa
WHAT A DOPE!
I pointed and laughed before the ball was even intercepted because it was soooo stupid I knew right then and there they would lose some way , some how.
I couldn’t be more pleased at the outcome of that game. You were winning and winning and then started to lose but then came roaring back…and it looked for sure like you were going to win right until , literally, the last minute. I bet you were all high five-ing each other and cheering after each catch on that final drive. With your little loser jerseys on, hugging a cheering and knocking over the nacho dip. whoo hoo! who cares about that dip! out team is going to WIN the SUPERBOWL!!!
……and then you lost, and now the cheese is dried and coagulated and cold… symbolic of your hopes and dreams. It is sitting in a clump on the carpet, orphaned as you shuffled off, sick to your stomach , unable to even look at the couch you were sitting on or the beer cans you emptied as your team of losers lost in front of the whole world.
I laughed and laughed! I saw coach dumbass on the sidelines after the interception take off his headphones and slump over like someone kicked him in the groin…and I laughed at that! It looked like he was going to cry! and I laughed at that!
You know what else I laughed at? You probably didn’t know, and I am sure your dumb ass coach who was on the sidelines crying didn’t know, but you STILL had a slim chance to win that game. The patriots intercepted the ball on the one yard line, so they had to snap the ball into their own endzone…so they couldn’t just kneel down and run out the clock. You HAD a slim chance to still win. BUT…and here is why the Patriots are great. THEIR coach is an evil genius who takes NOTHING for granted, and HIS quarter back used a hard count and drew your team of losers offsides….tweeeeeettt! penalty! Five yards for my team! hahahahahHAHAHA!!!! What a bunch of SAPS! Who falls for that when the other team is in their own end zone? I’ll tell you who…the SEAHAWKS! Who the next play committed another penalty! This time for 15 yards. Are you doing the math? The Patriots marched 20 yards up field …while TRYING to just kneel down and run out the clock. You’re lucky there was only 30 seconds left or they might have been in field goal range by the time your team knew what the hell was going on.
wow…you team BLEW IT!
Not that they were ever going to win. Not that they EVER had a chance. Look at ALL the things that had to go their way and they STILL could not beat the Patriots.
And the whole world knows it.
I’m not such a bad guy though, I know defeats like this sting. I know it hurts like blazes. To help ease the pain I am going to give you all a coupon code for our online store good for 40% OFF ANYTHING ON THE STORE, so you cheer up a little and get some laughs. Just type in SEAHAWKS and you’ll get the discount. http://arseniclullabies.highwire.com/
Didn’t work did it? HAHAHAHAAAA BWHAHAAAAA That’s TWICE! hahah TWO TIMES you thought something good was going to happen. HAHAHAaaaa Try again..c’mon try again…type in SEAHAWKS and get a big fat nothing! HAHAHAHAHA
sigh, good times.
The rest of you CAN type in coupon code –PATRIOTS -( use all caps) and get 40% off in celebration until Friday.
Douglas Paszek is The writer and Illustrator of the independent comic book Arsenic Lullaby. and his work can be found here www.arseniclullabies.com