In defense of Stan Lee and Comedy

Stan Lee Accused of sexual harassment by nurse

***warning, may contain explicit content***

Stories like this change by the hour, but the story thus far is Stan, while taking a bath, told his nurse to give him oral sex.

I’ve seen some thin things declared as harassment in the #metoo movement, but is completely out of scale.  Not because I believe Lee did or didn’t do it.  In fact let’s say, for the sake of argument he did everything accused of….It is out of scale because of who is leveling the accusation.  His ELDERLY CARE NURSE. I have to assume, because the story was actually reported, that some of you out there have never seen someone get old.  I have a rude awakening for you, this is what happens to people when they get old.  Do you think you are going to reach 95 with all of your mental faculties, inhibitions, and dignity in the same working order they are in now? I assure you, you are not.   Your body breaks down, and your mind gets loopy. THIS IS what happens to people and THIS IS part of what she is hired to deal with.  If the patient becomes too far gone then she and or the service let’s the family know and possibly recommends/let’s the family know what the next step in the care should be.

Her job as an elderly care giver, to deal with the daily health care of people who are starting to fade  physically and mentally. Physical and mental health fade on people when they get old, and it is not only time-consuming for the family, but emotionally painful to deal with for the people that care about them …THAT is why you hire a nurse, who is theoretically trained and prepared for that.  I say trained and prepared, because this is in fact one of hardships that goes hand in hand with this particular job.

This wasn’t an innocent bystander…some waitress that he slapped on the butt and made a lewd comment to, this is a woman who not only applied for the job, but went to school and trained for it.

…and she is, running to the press and looking for a payday, airing out the mental state of her patient to the whole world. This woman is a P.O.S.

Because any charge of sexual harassment, even this completely transparent money grab, is apparently serious business in this day and age of #metoo, there is something else to address.  We have swerved into a world where a 95 year old man with giant glasses, standing in the shower, asking his nurse to give him oral sex…

Is something we’re not supposed to find funny.

Well I say f*ck you society, this is where I draw the line.  that’s funny. there’s nothing about that which isn’t funny.  It’s even funnier because it’s Stan Lee…saying it in a Stan Lee voice.  ” hey, could ya say excelsior while your doing it?”.  I mean. gimmie a break, she is a grown woman, and a nurse who’s job it is to feed and bath, change the diapers of elderly, often senile, often suffering from dimensia, patients…you’re telling me a lewd proposition left her emotionally scarred?  Let’s be f*cking grown ups shall we, there’s no shattered victim to show deference to here, nor dangerous criminal shattering people’s lives. The guy is 95 years old and needs help getting into the shower…not a formidable adversary, by any stretch of the imagination. I’d think visually it’d be a welcome change that for a few fleeting seconds, something on him wasn’t wrinkled.

We have reached a point in our society where it is not the right vs the left, or conservative vs liberal…it is comedy vs everyone else. everyone is telling everyone else what they are not allowed to say, laugh at, make fun of.

I have seen no clearer example of “slippery slop” or “domino effect”  than what has been whittled away from “acceptable subjects” to make fun of.  ALL subjects are fair game…there is no such thing as “off limits’ or “too soon” because THAT is WHEN and WHY you need comedy. As comedians, it is our JOB to get people to laugh at the scary, the sad, the horrifying…that is Comedy’s greatest purpose.  Without it everything dire will overtake us.

If ever there was a line to draw in the sand, and shout “no more”, it’s a 95 year old man trying to get a BJ.  If you hope to stifle jokes about that, prepare to defend yourself.  and maybe you’ll win. Maybe everyone else will beat comedy.  wring  the joy out of everything until no joke can be told.  We’ll just leave. We’ll go find some island somewhere or entertain each other in back alley darkened rooms…leaving you to a gray laughter-less world, where everything is serious, sad, and scary.

I don’t know what he did or didn’t do, I wasn’t there, I’ve never met either of these people and I’m not on a jury, it’s not my job to figure it out, it’s my job to make fun of it.  And the only reason I can see not to, would be that it’s too easy.

That being said,

There’s a lot of gravity to this particular charge because Stan Lee isn’t just some name that scrawls up during the credits that most people have only heard mention of before in some story about a red carpet event, or on TMZ.  This is a man who’s work has touched many many people all over the globe, from childhood on, in a positive meaningful way. Consider how much he has changed the pop culture for the good, the millions of people he has inspired, and the millions more he has made life a little better for with his stories…I think IF a guy like that off-handedly asks you for a BJ…give the man a BJ. What would the world be like if Stan Lee was never in it? Just take one for the team, alright. Yeah, it’s probably not going to be pleasant and maybe taste like an anchovy  but let’s all be adults here, shall we? We’ve all done worse…for worse people. ..it’ll be brief, He’s f*cking 95 . what, you’re too busy? HE GAVE THE WORLD SPIDER-MAN. And if it does taste like an anchovy, who’s fault is that?  You’re the one in charge of giving him a bath.

 What, you think you’re nether regions are so appealing to whoever takes care of your such “needs”?  I’ve seen my share of vagina’s lady.  they come in two basic variations…a wad of chewed bubble gum or two side by side soggy cornflakes…so just deal with it, like we all do, because it’s really about the person it’s attached to. And the organ in question is attached to one of the greatest authors of any generation. That’s right, I said “author”.  It’s long past time for comic books to get the credit they deserve as part of literature, and her turning him down is evidence that we still have a long way to go.  I bet if it was Earnest Hemingway or Shakespeare shivering in the shower with giant glasses on pointing to their dorks there’d be a different ending to this story.

As she tells it, a little old man who changed the world for the better asked her for a BJ…and she said no.  Who’s really the A-hole there?  I ask you, honestly. Any one of us looking at the scale of justice would probably have to begrudgingly acquiesce to the man.

and after all, how much stuff has any one of us done, drunk or sober, that we can’t even defend to ourselves, that was all less noble than this would be?  If every newspaper and website on earth ran a story that I gave Stan lee a BJ…I could defend that to the point you patted me on the back and gave me the key to the city.

Let this go to court, let ME defend him.  I’ll just point…out the window…in any direction…and show the jury a dough eyed kid in a Hulk T-shirt, some little girl pretending to be the Scarlet Witch, movies, toys, careers launched, dreams dreamed, outsiders feeling less alone.  Is there ANY length of time in ANY of our lives that hasn’t been touched in some way by his work?!  Sick in the hospital as a child, I was given a stack of Avengers comics, in my twenties hung over on Saturdays my roommate and I would watch the X-men, the greatest year of my life, the year I met my first wife…one of our first dates was to see Spider-man. what about you?  Ladies gentlemen of the jury it is your duty to court order this woman to give him a BJ…and to make comic book noise while doing so. “GAK!” “glurk!!” “splaaa”

Scoff if you will…isn’t that a nicer world to live in than one with a nurse suing a 95 year old man for propositioning her while he’s taking a shower?

all of this is IF her claims are true…maybe they are, maybe they are not.

Here’s my advice for the next nurse who he propositions for a bj, tell him “I just did Mr. Lee, don’t you remember?”.  That’s what I’d do.  This isn’t a difficult mine field to navigate, especially if YOU are the one in charge of giving him his medication. If it were me, I’d say “yes sir, Mr.Lee…I’m going to need a drink first” and his little grey eyes would sparkle back to blue and he’d say “yeah, yeah…loosen yourself up a little, sweetheart”.  Then I’d pour myself a drink, pour him some nice scotch, hand him his “new medication” and stall for the four minutes it’ll take the pills to put him to asleep, then go home.

“uhm…these sure are nice looking… shoes, Mr.Lee”

“Oh! those are custom wingtips! I got them way back in…hey, quit stalling and make with the…zzzzzzz”

Repeat as needed. 

You don’t need to be Stan Lee to figure out a scenario to not have to give him a BJ…even though, he’s earned one.

In any case, here’s my hashtag #stanearnedthebj

And to you out there, who think you’re the moral authority on what is or isn’t fair game, looking down your nose and crying foul and shooting down and trying to shame every joke you see…those times and subjects that are the most grave is when comedy is most needed.  and until you’ve managed to vanquish us all, I’ll be returning fire.

    

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When Douglas is not complaining, he and his work can be found here

www.arseniclullabies.com

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