Your honor, Doug would never do that…

I have three Comic-con appearances stacked up for the fall…and there seems to be a big problem with the last one.

First things first, here they are

Cincinnati Comic Expo


Grand Rapids Comic-con

Oct. 20- 22nd

Rhode Island Comic Con

Nov. 10-12th

So…that last one…there’s an issue. And that issue is the most recent guest announcement…

You may remember her from the Avengers, or Captain America Civil War, or Godzilla….or several dozen creepy, lecherous, pathetic, inappropriate, obsessive posts on social media…by me.  Posts of which, I meant every word…even though in a court of law I’d try to pass off a “entertainment”.  I don’t recall exactly what I said…  There was a lot of heart emojis and I might have declared that I would stab anyone I loved right in the face if she asked me too.  The jist of them was I am wayyy into her.

So…count on me being escorted out of the building by police as I shout “we were meant to be togetherrrrrrr!!!!!”

Yep…this is bad. I need to wear like…those things they put on horses so they can’t see to their left or right.  I need to only be able to see directly in front of my booth…and probably have some sort of ear plugs, because if I hear her use that eastern European accent at the request of some fan…it’s all over for me.

“Uh, Doug, should you be typing this into a public forum?”

What difference does it make at this point? My FB page is littered with condemning evidence. If anything screwy happens to her at any point from when I saw her as the Scarlet Witch until the day I drop dead, the FBI will make a bee line for my apartment.  Justifiably so.  and there is not one living soul on this earth I could use as a character witness that whatever happened couldn’t have been me.  If she calls the cops because someone was hiding in her bushes…and I was with someone at the time…that person will assume (and justifiably so)  that I created some elaborate ruse to make it seem like we were together at that time even though it was three hours later.

“Could you state for the court your relationship with the defendant?”

“I am his mother”

“the defendant is accused of breaking into Ms. Olsen’s home and licking her shower curtain “

“….yeah, that had to be him. 100% him.”

Even with my world class imagination, I cannot come up with an act strange or obsessive enough, or requiring such effort that it could not have been me.  Even as I type this now I am thinking to myself “who the F*CK are those 8.8k people who clicked “like” on her appearance notification?! they better just step the hell back”.

So…yeah…my birthday is Nov.23 and I’ll be spending it in jail…probably with some torn shred of whatever she was wearing still clutched in my hands.  and as long as it still smells like her, I’m okay with that.

It had to happen eventually, her and I being at the same Comic-con, but I figured that would be way down the road.  After she is old and wrinkly…maybe after a botched facelift or two and I am older and in a wheel chair with an oxygen tank and someone could just turn down the oxygen as I wheeled over towards her with the last drops of testosterone working it’s way though my petrified arteries and I’d pass out and harmlessly coast into a wall.  But that hope is gone. She’ll be at Rhode Island Comic-con…and I’ll be at Rhode Island Comic-con…and a paddy wagon will be at Rhode Island Comic-con and I’ll be a feature on TMZ for about 15 minutes.

SO…the question is, before I am wrestled to the ground…do I try to smell her hair? Cling to her like a baby koala? Whisper “I’m your destiny” with a sad crazed look in my eyes?  I dunno, they all sound pretty good. I’ve got some time to think about it.

…and I will.

…sigh…she’s so great… <3


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