Online dating…

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My kids are my whole life


Not much going on

I got a complaint in the ole e-mail box yesterday, here’s an excerpt from it-

“the blogs you used to write about had more about your everyday life and the crazy shit that happens to you, most of the time now  anything you do blog about related to your everyday life is just about work. I miss hearing about how fucked up your life is.”

He’s right. But here’s the thing, there ain’ t much going on in my personal life right now because it’s been winter and I haven’t left the house much, the other thing is that most of my day to day type rantings are now being ranted about in my podcast. (on itunes keyword – a strangers voice , I’ll be re installing the A Strangers Voice page for those without Itunes …soon I guess-) stepping on a caterpillar and yelling at an old woman in church just works better via me actually talking than trying to convey the absurdity in text.

So…let’s see here…what’s going on with me …I started looking at online dating sites. Seeing as how I have yet to get a call from the ex-wife begging for us to try again…she’s really going around the bend here to make a point that things needed to be tweeked a little, kinda sad really I mean…talk about having a tantrum …moving to another state? She’s just going to feel that much sillier when we end up back together…(staring at the phone) …yep. Well, two can play at that game! Since I don’t have co -workers to hit on it really leaves me with few options.

A- I can use my considerable fame and status on FB to put out a call via post that I am looking for a girlfriend. while this would be effective it would also be wildly undignified. And it sets me down a bad road I think. I see people post about how gloriously happy they are (when they meet someone new) only to post about how cruel life is and how broken-hearted they are weeks later. I read those and laugh maniacally to myself. As soon as I notice one of those gloriously happy type posts I watch that profile like a hawk just to see be there when the ole roller coaster comes to a screeching halt. It’s great fun…the thought of me being one of those people makes it easy to choose dignity over companionship.

B-flirt with the librarian. She seems kinda young, and she probably would run like hell since she’s watched me check out about a zillion books (for research) that would make me seem …oh…not really dating material. In the past months i’ve checked out books on the holocaust, books on natural disasters, books on the KKK, medical books on human anatomy, and when you mix those in with the fact that I’ve checked out “The Wizard of Oz” four times in a row (also for research) i look like either a serial killer, a racist, or just batcrap crazy …probably all of the above. In any long winded explanation about why I checked them out she would do doubt only hear “I draw pictures of them” which would make me seem even more batcrap crazy. so…no librarian.

C-online dating …lesser of three evils.

Online dating sites have evolved past simple personals ads. As near as I can describe it, they have become cheezier versions of FB for people who like to take pictures of themselves behind bad paneling or in their hallway so as not to reveal what a disaster their house is …although In the corner of each shot just enough of their decor is revealed to ward you off. Funny how the race of a woman can make some things hot and some things a red flag. Zebra bed sheets in a black woman’s shot makes me think hood rat, zebra sheets in a white woman’s house makes me think she’s open for business! Zebra sheets in a Latino woman’s shot makes me think she’s at her black friends house. Cartoon sheets in a white woman’s house makes me think she’s thinking about getting laid while in her kids room. Cartoon sheets in a black woman’s house makes me think she’s open for business! Cartoon sheets in a Latino woman’s house makes me think she’s taking the picture in her white friends kids room. All of this perhaps says more about me than the woman in the pic. I don’t know what I would think if I saw an asian woman with zebra sheets…as their does not seem to be a single asian woman on a dating site. Which is fine, I’m not really looking for an Asian woman. I am looking for something long term so I need someone who can yell back at me . Long term relationships often involve yelling, it’s just the nature of things …anyone who’s been in a long term relationship can tell you that …communication is important (…looking at the phone)…Asian women usually just leave or cry. While I enjoy making people cry, i don’t enjoy that I enjoy making people cry…so best to avoid that temptation.

Anyhow, I have been looking for women (ugh) in my own age group. They all have kids. No big deal, kids cry allot for no real reason and that would feed my monster without releasing the character flaws needed to make a grown person cry. But each of them seem to feel the need to post in their “about me ” section that “my kids are my whole life”. This to me seems odd for two reasons.

First, anyone you’d actually have to explain that your kids are important to you to isn’t worth dating right? If they weren’t important to you they’d either be living with dad or they would be several devastating scenes in your past of a cold doctors room that you leave trying not to cry wondering if you made the right decision…in which case you would probably post “my baggage is whole my life” or “the next guy who knocks me up gets his dick cut off”.

Second, I don’t know that you are going to get a full dance card by starting off with ” i don’t have any real time, or emotional currency for anyone”, which is how “my kids are my whole life” reads. Let’s be realists here, the “about me” section is where you are supposed to be selling yourself. The guys don’t post “you will not see or hear from me during the two months of football playoffs” or ‘ I have a bunch of loser buddies that will come over, get drunk, and hit on you”. I realize raising kids is more noble than drunk buddies and football, but like I say …you’re supposed to be selling yourself, so any possible deterrent should be found out later in conversation.

Also I’ve dated a woman or two with kids and although they proclaim “my kids are my whole life” oddly absent from conversation with them is ANY mention of their kids. They complain about the bitch at work, talk about some t. v. show they can’t stop watching, or talk about 20 year old music and how the band is gong to be playing at the state fair. No…i take that back, in the event that the woman has more than one kid she will mention them via “these fucking kids”. So I think just mentioning that you have kids is enough and we’ll figure out what that means for ourselves.

The annoying thing about these sites is that they SAY they are free but the “free” part only allows you to make a profile and see other peoples profiles and send them a “wink”. If you want to send a message back it’s 12.95 a month. So if you get a “wink” you must now decide if the 12.95 is worth responding to a wink from someone who probably looks nothing like her picture or is a hooker. If she’s a hooker then it’s like a service charge on top of the actual price of the sex and she still probably looks nothing like her profile. The fact that I am famous five months out of the year leaves me with no real need to lower myself to paying the 12.95..more so the pity for you guys perhaps, because I am sure me meeting up with someone who ends up being an ugly hooker would make for a great blog.

So I don’t know what I’m gonna do, there aren’t many good women out there ( staring again at the phone …thinking “hmpf). It would probably be easier to find one if I just cut loose with the 12.95, but every time I consider it I think about how little interest a woman would have in a guy who’s electricity got turned off because the payment to the electric company was 12.95 short. Maybe I’ll start selling zebra bed sheets, that seems to be a real money maker. I could go door to door selling them like a vacuum cleaner sales man in the 50’s. That sounds like a good way to get pepper sprayed…then I’d have zebra bed sheets with red stains. I saw that in the corner of a pic too. The world is an ugly place when you have hyper vigilance.

I could start attending more local events, do more signings at the local comic book shop or atcually take part in some of the local art exhibits, but , and I could be very wrong, that doesn’t seem like a great place to find a woman who has her act together…that seems like the land of “daddy issues” and pompus artsy wanna be’s. I need someone with her act together, someone independent and too confident to put up with my bull. (staring at the phone ….sh*t)

Maybe it’s time i left Milwaukee, it isn’t that great a town to be single in. According to surveys St.Paul, Madison, and Chicago are much better and they aren’t that far away. Although I wonder about those surveys… having allot of single people in your town may not really mean it’s a great place for singles, it may mean the opposite. maybe all the singles there are single because they suck. By this surveys logic if my car was broken I should move to a town where everyone’s car is broken …wouldn’t I want to live in a town where everyone got their car fixed? I dunno…when does football season start?


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