Don’t f*ck with me, I use my brain for a living


My ideas will out live your spreadsheets

I am a writer of fiction.  Unlike other professions, on top of trying to earn a living I have the annoying task of getting people to realize I EARN my living. From time to time a situation comes up where I have to do so in a cruel and harsh fashion…

if you are also a writer, but not as ruthless as I am, feel free to re post this and allow me to be the bad guy.

Funny thing about me, I’m pretty humble, I use a lot of self depreciating humor, and I don’t go around thinking I’m better than anyone else because of what I do…that is UNTIL someone suggests I am not better than everyone else because of what I do…or even worse- LESS than everyone else because of what i do. Now, I don’t really like hurting people feelings, even though I am very very good at it, so to prevent me from having to make an ass out of someone ELSE in public, let me explain the following things …actually I will be paraphrasing the diatribe I used to make an ass out someone recently.


I am a writer and an Illustrator. That is my profession, I am not some jerk off middle-aged goof who got a bee in his bonnet and decided to blow his golf money on some vanity press disaster. I am not a starry-eyed college kid writing a screenplay that will never be finished and no one will see on his laptop at starbucks. I do this for a living, I have a skill, a skill that took over a decade to hone, and I continue to improve on every time I put ink to paper. I have become one of the best in the world. On a planet of over 16 billion there are probably less than 100 who can do what I do, as good as I can do it.

Yes, when I go to work it is for the purpose of entertaining people, this does not make me a clown, and I am not the modern-day equivalent of a jester. If you want to put it into historical perspective, I am the guy who decided If Zeus had lightning bolts or ruled the ocean. I…and the other people in my profession, craft the pop culture and thereby influence the nation. We have more influence than all the reporters, politicians, and activists could ever dream of. Whether or not your daughter thinks it’s cool to sleep with everything that moves, or keep her legs shut, whether or not your son wants to be heroic or wear girls pants, whether or not your wife finds comfort in years of marriage or begins to view it as an oppressive dead-end …these things and more are influenced in drips and drops by people like me in ways that you never considered. Those drips and drops become oceans over time. Oceans that can raise up or drown every idea, creed, and ideology you hold dear. And speaking of historical perspective, the very way we are viewed by future generations is in the hands of people like me. When you think of the 50’s you think of “leave it to Beaver” not a plumber. When you think of the 60’s you think of “woodstock” not vacuum cleaner repair man. If I wanted to be an egomaniac about it I would say that people like me decide what “is” actually “is”. But I won’t say that …I will say that we have a lot more say in what “is” is than any other profession. The world leaders we have today all make decisions with the echoes of the fiction they grew up with vibrating through their brains.

We are not clowns, we are not jesters, we are powerful, dangerous people, and you would do well to be suspicious and wary of us and all we do. I can take someone with a big wallet and a fancy car and a big mouth and have an entire room full of people, even his own family, laughing in his face…that is when I am off duty…when I am on duty I can have the whole world laughing in someone’s face. So, perhaps a little consideration is in order, a little more respect is due us than we openly demand. I don’t think I am better than anyone else, but I do have a job, and it is important…and it is powerful…and I am a dangerous man because of it, and it would probably be best if I didn’t have to demonstrate that at the expense of people who fail to realize it through conventional means.

Those years you spent learning how to be a plumber, or rewire a house…were valuable years.  You have a meaningful and important job, but those years didn’t prepare you to go toe to toe with me verbally. The room full of people laughing at you is evidence of that.  You learned how to keep their lights on, and while their lights are on they are absorbing entertainment from people like me.

How you are viewed…what your wife and daughter thinks is appropriate behavior, the ideals you hold dear…are in my hands not your spreadsheets.  It would be best for all of this, if you showed me a little respect.

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