Money, Money, Money, Money!
So the lotteries were both above a hundred million dollars this week, Powerball and Mega Millions. Whenever that happens I like to day dream about what I would do with that kind of money.
The first thing I would do is assemble my staff. I would need a law firm in my pocket. One of those shady type law firms that is really good but doesn’t have any commercials on TV. You know, rich people lawyers, the kind that will get me out of trouble. Because I will getting in all kinds of trouble. Next I need an accountant that works solely for me and is committed to making sure I keep my millions away from the government. I don’t plan on paying any taxes when I’m super rich. Taxes are for suckers.
Now for my personal entourage, because I plan on having a really obnoxious entourage. First I need an assistant. Not a secretary, that comes later, I need a shady character to take care of my shady activities. A guy that keeps dossiers on people and knows what I mean when I say ‘Take care of that guy.’ I plan on ‘taking care’ of a lot of people. I got a big list of enemies that need to be dealt with. I need a guy like that Doug Stamper character on House of Cards. Next comes personal protection, because I got a lot of enemies like I said and I plan on making many more when I’m super rich. I need two ex-Navy Seals that are armed at all times. Then I need a karate man. I will scour the Earth for the most awesome karate man alive. He will walk beside me barefoot and bare chested and be ready to open a can of whoop ass on whoever I deem fit. He should probably look like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. Then I need to find a little person who is an expert with knives and a body builder whose sole job is to throw the little guy at people so he can slice them up. Also, I will need a chimp who has brass knuckles.
After security is taken care of I need my theme music person. I need the theme to Dynasty to be played in public whenever I enter the room. I need three instigators dressed in the latest hip hop fashions who will insult people that come into my area. They will be contractually obligated to go ‘Oooooo!!’ and give me a high five whenever I insult someone even if it is not particularly funny. I also need a dunk team. A team of athletes that will bring a regulation NBA rim with them and dunk on command.
I will need a driver who can do donuts in a limo and be able to lose the cops in a chase. A butler who has an English accent. I need to always carry $100,000 cash with me in a briefcase, this is so I can throw out hundreds at people’s feet like Sonny Corleone did in The Godfather. Oh, I need a briefcase guy I guess. He’ll be handcuffed to it and wear sunglasses and an earpiece like the Secret Service. Maybe we should all have earpieces. Even the monkey!
It will be a good time, which will last about a year after I pay all these people.
Oh! I also need a suit tailor made from hundred dollar bills!
Dave, the Black Guy