Easter savings and half assed cults!
Wooo! Big Easter sale! This is the part where you’d expect me to make a bunch of jokes like “savings are rising from the tomb!” or “roll the boulder from the tomb of savings!” or “you don’t need to roll dice with another Centurion to get your hands on this merch!”…maybe that last one’s too obscure. Anyways…I WAS going to tie the sale to Easter and just dance the line of blasphemy in the sale pitch because, screw it, the Pope said there wasn’t a Hell anyway.
He said that last week. No hell, huh? then GAME F*cking ON! Frankly I’ve been hedging my bets on the ole pray for forgiveness on my death bed thing anyways, but if there isn’t any hell…I can just die leering at the nurse with my hand on my junk and beg in the hereafter. No…Hell! I’mma START by using the death and resurrection to sell some merch, THEN move onto more nefarious activities, I says to myself. Just before starting this email, I see some other story that says he never said that. Glad I read that before moving onto steps 3 through 19.
This fake news stuff…that’s dangerous. Forget about which way people like me might vote. What if we see some story that says it’s okay to drive drunk, or Taser people who take too long in line, or whatever…because I’ll f*cking do it, just in sheer celebration of the new found freedom.
Saw this story too that SEEMS to not be fake.
FIRST, I’d like to remind all of you long time readers of my blog, that I said YEARS ago that Kreuk gave me the creeps. That she had soulless eyes and seemed like a reptilian or something. “Always listen to Doug”.
So, the story goes, these two were part of some sex cult and they were responsible for gulling young girls into being sex slaves.
Forget how much the news screws up with reporting fake stuff, how about how they don’t bother “reporting” anything? They don’t give us any info on this beyond clickbait. I have a million questions here, and none of them are answered in the “reporting” all of which has a bunch of throw away lines like “a true supervillian” and “there was no one in a cape so save them”.
The stories say these women were “recruiting sex slaves”. How do you do that?! That’s a sales pitch I’d like to hear. Was it a pyramid scheme? Some promise of fame and fortune? I can’t fathom how you’d ease someone into that idea. I ASSUME we’re not talking about destitute people living in abject poverty, otherwise you wouldn’t need some TV star to talk them into it, you could just send any low life out there with a fist full of cash. Right? And the “why” isn’t there. These two are capable of talking someone into being a slave but they can’t talk themsleves onto another sitcom??? and what exactly is the definition of “sex slave” here? Because that doesn’t seem like an all day job. The story says that each one belonged to one other person. Even with unlimited amounts of cocaine and Viagra, you’re only having sex for so long. What are the sex slaves doing the rest of the time? Do they clean and cook too? Because if all they are someone’s slave for is sex, that’s pretty strange. They have horrific sex acts performed on them but if they are asked to vacuum the living room, they can say “f*ck you, do it yourself”? As far as being a slave goes, I’d rather be a sex slave than any other kind, just on the basis of having way more time left in my day when I’m not slaving.
Look..I didn’t report this story. It just showed up on my browser homepage, then on my newsfeed…so, newspeople…IF you’re going to just pander to our base curiosity, how about you explain the f*cking story. Because I am mortally confused as to what any of this means and what they actually did. Did they all live on a compound or go home at the end of the day? I doesn’t sound like there was a compound or commune, I assume money was involved..so, what is the difference here between a prostitute and a sex slave at that point? What about it made it a “cult”? Generally a Cult is a group of people living by some fridge belief system. This all sounds to me like human trafficking…which doesn’t get people to click as fast as “cult”, I guess. I assume they used the term “cult” and “sex slave” to get people click onto the story faster, because it’s 2018 and some celebrity sexually assaulting someone isn’t “news” anymore.
They did show us pics I didn’t need to see of how the sex slaves were “branded” with the owners names. I’ll tell you this much, you sure as hell wouldn’t want to be owned by me if you had to get my name branded on you. I’d need at least two underage hitchhikers standing side by side to brand Paszkiewicz into human skin. No doubt the first time it’d be spelled wrong and I’ve have to ball out the guy who made the branding iron.
ALSO, I am the first person to defend millennials as not being the watered down snowflakes they get labeled as, but if this is what passes for a “cult” these days…that’s on YOU, millennials. This branding, as bad as it looks in the pictures…when I was in high school people where burning smiley faces into their arms with the top of disposable lighters. Hell, Charles Manson carved a swastika into his own forehead. Manson had a CULT. Jim Jones, David Koresh had CULTS. If the group in question didn’t murder a bunch of people with kitchen knives of have the ATF drive a tank into their house, or at least wear some goofey occult robes, I don’t want the term “cult” attached to them. You gotta hold the line on the vernacular somewhere and these two teeny bopper have no business getting the same definition as Charles Manson’s crew.
…I started this email by trying to avoid typing anything heinous during Easter and I think I swerved right back into heinous somehow. Speaking of heinous, do you have your copies of these Arsenic Lullaby collections yet?
Each of these collections are available now (that first one is about to run out and then we’ll just have scratch and dent copies left) and contain our favorite, more despicable, funniest stories from the original run. AND you get a sketch on the back done by yours truly! (if you are a brick and mortar store and want some at wholesale, contact me at douglaspasz -at- arseniclullabies.com)
discount code
Coupon code – voodoo – is good for 20% off your entire order at the
Arsenic Lullaby Online Store. The store loads slow AF, we’re working on it.
Here’s some samples from those books. This first one you may recognize as having appeared as an animated short on Comedy Central!
discount code
Coupon code – voodoo – is good for 20% off your entire order at the
Arsenic Lullaby Online Store. The store loads slow AF, we’re working on it.
discount code
Coupon code – voodoo – is good for 20% off your entire order at the
Arsenic Lullaby Online Store. The store loads slow AF, we’re working on it.
DON’T MISS OUT ON THE BONUS BLOGS, SNEAK PREVIEWS, AND STUFF THAT DOUG SENDS OUT TO HIS EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS…he says WAY more crackpot stuff in those. SIGN UP HERE