Do you know what today is?
This is Christmas time. I love Christmas. LOVE IT. I love Christmas Music, I love old ornaments, Christmas trees, Christmas t.v. specials, Christmas Movies. I love the whole thing. Just to reassure you all that there's balance in the universe, that there is justice...those of you who have thought to yourselves "this guy gets paid for drawing fetuses and holocaust cartoons...where is the karma?" My Christmases always suck. They always get screwed up somehow, deaths, divorce, break ups, financial ruin, auto problems, housing problems, Christmas is the time of year -like clockwork- something goes wrong for me...thereby screwing up my Christmas.
So between the ups and downs of Christmas...the recent success , and memories of the early years of independently publishing Arsenic Lullaby, one would think i'd be all a twitter. What i am is bored. BORED. , I'm bored and sick of the whole thing and frankly...i'm ready to check out anytime. i don't mean like i'm adrift and morose and contemplating suicide...more like i periodically check out the peep hole to see if the grimm reaper is coming up to the door. He never is and I sigh and go back to whatever I was doing. I live near a hospital and fire dept. Often I will hear an ambulance go by and I look out the window like a kid who's grounded and has to watch the other kids play outside while he is stuck in the house. I have just run out of stuff i'm interested in doing on this earth and pushing a boulder up a mountain in hell for eternity sounds better that watching another Packers game.
BUT dedc.24th is MY day. MY DAY to take revenge on the world. The world that is constantly in my way and taking too much time to count it's change and using up the toner ink at kinkos Xeroxing pics of it's grand kids. My life is one deadline after the next and standing in my way of making very important deadlines is a never ending parade of oblivious dipshits who live in their own little world and have no concept...no grasp on the reality, that other people are trying to go about their business while they sit and chat with the clerk about the weather. The closer I get to deadlines the more fat people in electric chair things clog the isles, the more old people decide TODAY is the day the must learn to use the self check out ("oh dear...where are my reading glasses...they are in my purse somewhere"), the more numbskulls decide to have their shoe box of old lotto tickets checked for winners by the clerk. Do you ever have one of those days where you catch every green light, and breeze in and out of a store without any waiting in line...that's because the universe has taken all those things out of your way AND PUT THEM IN MY WAY.
But Dec 24th...those people, the people with all day long to figure out what their pin number is and explain to the clerk " it my kids birthday...that's the number...but I have four kids heh heh." THOSE PEOPLe are suddenly in a hurry because they forgot this or that...because they burned the turkey and have to get another because they forgot uncle sid wanted a copy of "the rifleman" on DVD. That is the day i do my shopping. Not just for presents...no no no...just for WHATEVER. The point is not to buy gifts...but to get in the way and hold up the line and slow down the process and gum up the works for everybody else. You'll not find your copy of the dvd asshole, because if there is a hot DVD or toy, I with a giant swing of my arm, nock them ALL into MY cart. I have no intention of buying them...I'll just be giving them a good walk around the store up to the cashier with the longest line, where I will start a ridiculous argument about how the sign on the shelf said they where marked 3 for a dollar.
The first thing i do is smoke half a pack of cigarettes in the car so i REEK of smoke. Then I check for the squeakiest shopping cart with a wobbliest wheel and if I can't find on i take out my channel locks and MAKE ONE. It's instinct now...but back when i started this tradition I would have to pay attention to the faces and posture to see which shopper was bothered the most by the squeaking...then of course I make sure to shadow behind the person as long as possible.
I am sure to keep a big bunch of candy in my jacket, just in case there are some kids there...I eat the candy in front of them and go "hmmm this is GOOD CANDY". It never fails that the kids starts bugging the parents for candy and a temper tantrum ensues. Sometimes...when the situation presents itself ...i will "accidentally" smack my shopping cart into the cart containing a sleeping baby so it starts crying. I put slugs in all the vending machines so they jam up, and if I am lucky enough to notice the thermostat (SOME of the smaller stores have them in the open) I put a damp hand towel from the bathroom on them so that it THINKS the store is only 50 degrees and kickS up the heat...You then have a crowded store full of people in winter coats and a non stop heater jacking the temp. up to 90! I pay for everything with change AFTER I incorrectly (on purpose) punch my pin number in wrong on two different bank cards. Oh the groans and gnashing of teeth behind me...it is GLORIOUS!
see you at wal-mart.
main menu xmass bunker