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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

a family comes together under stress

I certainly don't feel like witting a blog...so i will now use a story that i heard recently.  I had been saving it for just such an occasion.

It's a Christmas Story...sort of...not really, but it's about family. It is TRUE, told to me by a man who's word is unquestionable, and apart from a few uses of the word "fat" or "fat ass" or "gigantic fat ass" and a few side notes of my own...this incident really happened.

Once upon a time there was a very fat woman. VERY fat. (see that's me interjecting, I think he said heavy or overweight)  and she died.  I don't recall why he said she died.  A decathlon injury maybe...that or she choked on a whole chicken i dunno it's not important.  The important thing is she was fat.  So fat that she SHOULD have been put in an oversized coffin for her funeral.  But her family could not afford one and only had enough money for a regular sized bargain basement coffin.  Now...if some enterprising restaurant owner was using his head he should have offered to buy the oversized coffin FOR them an put his restaurant logo on the side...seeing as how her family was also overweight...i am going to go out on a limb here and say that they where probably going to be hungry after the funeral.  lot's of people turn to food when they are stressed or sad...or fat.

Anyway the funeral folks got out their giant shoe horns and boat ores and somehow wedged the woman into the coffin defying the laws of physics itself, and the open casket funeral preceded.  The woman's daughter...let's stop for a minute... how is it unattractive people manage to have sex?...I don't mean physically, I mean I remember some lonely days in my life and i'm good looking...how is it while I was hard up somewhere out there a fat woman was getting it on.  life is so cruel...back to the story-

The daughter/family is black and black funerals are often a lot more emotional than the white ones i've attended.  There is loud crying and genuine emotion... collapsing from exhaustion from emotion and sobbing ...the whole nine yards.  The last funeral I went to was a white one and me and my cousins where most emotional about the great rear end the female funeral operator had...look you handle grief YOUR way I'll handle it mine...the POINT is the daughter was balling and sobbing "mamma you can't be dead....get up mamma!" over and over.

As luck and the laws of physics would have it, the giant woman started rising up out of the coffin...not do to divine intervention or the right hand of God by the right hand of Ronald McDonald.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  All the fat that they packed into the coffin was simply uncompressing and squeezing back out. "get up mamma! you can't be dead!" screamed the fat daughter...

The rest of the funeral goers, witnessing the rising out of the coffin, got very unnerved and started running for the hills.  Black folks are a bit more superstitious on average than white folks or maybe my family is just really cynical because had this been a funeral attended by me and my cousins someone would have simply shouted "hide the buffet!"

anyhoo...people are screaming and running for the exits except the daughter who FINALLY looks up and says "oh shit! NOT NOW MAMMA!" and runs up to the casket JUST as the bargain basement casket gives way and bursts open spilling the fat dead woman onto the fat live woman breaking both her legs and trapping her. 

I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the EMT's as they arrived on the scene and had to figure out where the dead fat started and the live fat ended.  like 700 pounds of cookie dough with two cabbage patch kid heads sticking out.

Merry Christmas