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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

Anybody else spend an hour and a half arguing with someone yesterday? No? just me?

Here’s the thing…don’t ever help anybody. and if you do don’t expect a thank you. and if you get hurt doing it don’t expect any sympathy.  And if you do help someone and it turns from a simple project into getting hurt, and freezing your ass off and risking being arrested, and wasting a bunch of your time and you getting pissed off… you blowing up at them for “no reason” (although…I think I clearly listed reasons just in that last sentence) don’t expect them to understand.  AND don’t expect them to give a shit about what you went through until the whole “you blowing up at them” is resolved.

 

let me just say this…if I started out with a completely broken car…and at the end of the day had a fixed car and all I had to do was get yelled at for 15 seconds…I’d call that a good deal/ AND if you add in the fact that the yeller got cut up, scalded, frost bite, and was temporarily stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the freezing cold with the sun going down in a car with incorrect tags just waiting for some zebster backwood sheriff to lock him up because you made your renewal sticker for the car he is driving in photoshop…I’d say I came out way ahead…and most importantly, I wouldn’t provoke that person.

 Am I right?

 

Don’t answer,  I left out anything that made me sound like the jackass…although…that is pretty much a unbiased summary.

 

Anyway I don’t feel like a blog today so I’ll tell you that refrigerator story…it also involves me helping someone.

 

See when you don’t have a regular 9-5 job and are sort of a lowlife…you are the first person people call when they need help at an odd hour or with an odd job.  A friend of mine used to be a sub contractor for a large bank.  (now that I think about this story. I think I still had a regular job also.  It was before I moved to Florida. I think I was doing comics and still working like 30 hours a week…anyway back to the story).  And it was his job to go and clean out and board up houses that the bank repossessed.  You people out there who think that the banks want to screw people out of their houses couldn’t be more wrong.  The banks don’t want your house and it costs them a ton of money to get rid of it once they get it.  And nine times out of ten people make sure the house isn’t worth shit when they leave.  (Vandalize it, steal the wiring, ect)

 

That’s where we came in.  The real money was in going into real shitty ghetto type neighborhoods and cleaning out and boarding up those houses.  No one wanted to do those so you could name the price.  The problem is that those houses are usually falling apart, have been completely trashed and are often occupied by scary and dangerous people, or at the very least scary dangerous animals.  So you need someone with you who knows how to use a shovel, a drill, a hammer, and  a gun, and isn’t afraid of going into the “hood” as long as there is $$$$ involved.  That would be me.  Although truth be told I can’t hit the broad side of a barn with my .45…but it does make a loud noise and usually that is enough.

 

Anyway…we get to this one house that is a total wreck...like the plywood we are using to board up the windows is actually strengthening the house.  Inside we find an ingenious bit of vandalism.  They plugged all the drains and left the water running…for 3 weeks…in the dead of winter.  The overflow from the showers and sinks upstairs destroyed the second story floor and most of the drop ceiling had fallen and was frozen to the first story carpet. Frost had formed on all the walls and furniture from the moisture.  Also huge ice stalagmites and stalactites had formed from the running water 6 to 12 inch thick. icicles had debris fossilized in them, one was a cd case, Newport wrapper, old sock, ice totem pole…it was a magical ghetto fortress of solitude .  Our job…clean the mess.  While banging away at a larger icicle with a sledgehammer the refrigerator from upstairs tipped over and fell THROUGH THE CEILING almost landing on yours truly. Now…let me tell you that when something falls through the ceiling it isn’t like on cartoons where there is just a fridge shaped hole.  No sir, it takes huge rotted two by fours and suds and framework with it, and creates a big-clouded mess of dust, snow, and garbage.  And it sounds like a bomb went off.

 

Our job now…clean the mess and take pictures so that the destruction does not appear in the photo.  Because if the bank finds out the house needs to be leveled, than we don’t get paid to come back every two months and check on it.

   

The funny thing to me is that as clever as they where in creating this winter wonderland of litter, their graffiti was all misspelled.  For instance “I hate Joe Brown” was spelled “Eye haight joe brown”  there we where, me and my friend starring at the graffiti in overhauls surrounded by giant icicles and snow and garbage trying to decipher it…like we where in the worst stargate episode ever trying to read text left behind to sync up our dial and open the gate home.

but there way no mysterious gateway home, just a mysterios smell...whatever it was...i had to be pretty bad to smell in below zero temperatures.

Somehow we managed to do a mediocre job and get a check.

the photo above is from some other house we did.  i hung the poo bear as a warning to the homeless people who kept breaking through the plywood to live in the basement.  it seemed to work, that or they found another way in.

 

 

comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com