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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

I think i'd better move or That's gonna be a problem

ah spring time...when the snow melts and leaves behind five months of litter.  nothing like looking out the window and seeing the yard covered with beer cans, cigarette butts, junkmail that fell out of the mail box because i refuse to collect the junk mail and it spills out into the yard and blows around...and miscellaneous debris. 

The snow came early this year so along with all that are the last round of pears and leaves that fell and got buried by snow before i could rake them up.  the pear tree in my year is two stories tall and covers the yard with pears from august til october...it's obnoxious and around the end of September you just give up.  so there are several hundred fermented pears just waiting to explode on the first squirrel that nibbles at one.

but the best thing is a oh...twenty foot splatter of black paint that starts at my porch continues down the side of the house and onto the neighbors house.  up until noticing this splatter i had forgotten that i left a can of paint on the porch before the NY show. at some point the wind took it and sent it onto the house of the guy who called the fire department on me, and later the alderman, and just sort of generally despises me. when you just look at his house the mark sort of looks like something exploded upward or got thrown onto his house.  so i think if i can just paint over the splatter on my house leading up the the porch...i might be okay.  but probably not.  

my question here is...what can he do about this?  let's say i paint over my splatter...there is no way for him to prove it came from my porch...or from me.  right?  keep in mind this guy hates my ass and paid to have a fence installed around his garage just so i wouldn't have room to park my truck in between his garage and mine.  he thought my truck was ugly and didn't want it near his house.  of course this only lead to me, in a feat of great spite, skill and patience, using two rolling car jacks slide the truck in-between my garage and his fence with barely enough room to slide a peace of paper in between...and then leaving it there for a couple of weeks. he called the alderman  said that i had an unregistered vehicle and it was leaking oil onto his driveway.  i responded by saying it couldn't possibly be leaking oil because i took the engine out and was in the process of Turing the car in to a piece of abstract art that would bring attention to Americas homophobia (the city had just had a run in with gay activists about some pension for life partners and i was betting they wouldn't want to go through another round of that sort of thing)  Finally I just called a junk yard to pick up the truck...and watched him stand out in his yard in a bathrobe looking mortified and keeping a close eye on his precious fence as the non-English speaking tow truck driver tried to assure him his fence was safe.  every whirl and hiss of the hydraulic boom on the tow truck was like nails on a chalkboard to out bath robed friend.  

so...i haven't built up alot of goodwill with this guy or the city and now i have essentially vandalized his house.  normally i would just go over, explain it was an accident and offer to repaint it.  actually, now that i think about it...normally my neighbors hate me.  in fact i can't think of a place i lived in where i didn't get into arguments with my neighbors.  And as i look back, i suppose, you could MAYBE...perhaps...blame a tiny bit of it on me...if you where cynical...

The first place i lived in i threatened to shoot thier dog (i didn't even have a gun then...it was a harmless outburst, and the dog had it coming), another i almost got in a drunken fist fight with the guy upstairs over i don't remember what, got him evicted, then got evicted myself. 

actually the next place i lived in worked out fine but that is because it was the only house on the block everything else was a business or a bar.  One time I did donuts on the lawn in a 77 malibu my roomate got into the 80 mustang and we had the shortest demolition derby ever as the yard was just bearly big enough to contain both cars. When a junkyard came to pick up our cars, we pre-emptivly removed the engines and filled the engine bay with garbage because our cans were full. We would take out the garbage by throwing it from the balcony into the city garbage cans by the garage.  We had a alligator ( a little one) a free range Iguana, a piranha, and a ball python that got lose…we never did find it)  the apartment was littered with guns, booze, comics books, Asian weapons, car parts tools and toys…it looked like two lowlifes kidnapped a child and it decided to stay.  When we moved out the apartment had several bullet holes in it…all accidental…if you consider being wildly irresponsible accidental. we had accumulated so much crap that piling it into individual garbage bags seemed like a waste of time ...so we spread a big tarp on the floor threw everything we didn't want into the trap and rolled the giant crap ball up the stairs and into the back of his pick up. and then rolled it into a nearby construction type dumpster.  

the place after that i threatened to run over the neighbors kids (they started it).  i think the place after that was okay.  then i moved to Orlando into a condo complex complete with a condo committee...i don't have to tell you that ended badly. then back to Milwaukee where i shoved the neighbor across a hallway (he stared it...i finished it)...i'm starting to sound like a dickhead but i swear...all these people had it coming...really.  funny story about that place...the neighbors new the alderman and brought him over to harass me (did i tell this story already?) little did he know that my printer owed me a favor so i had them print up a couple thousand flyers for this jerks opponent in the upcoming election...and the night before the election i spent a few hours putting them on people windshields...it read "alderman (i forget his name...blain maybe or brun) is responsible for the overnight parking fine increases."  I made the flyers look like parking tickets...clever yes?  anywho that was the end of alderman "b" he lost by about 300 votes. 

  OH i forgot the elderly couple that i lived above with my ex-wife.  the old bat was JUST LIKE principal skinner's mother from the simpsons and would come up and scold us.  she was going a little crazy from old age.  funny thing about that move...we ruined the new carpet on accident and since we knew she didn't see all that well i just painted over the stain matching my acrylic paint to the carpets color as best i could.  what else...i think that's it...anyway the point is A.don't ever rent to me. B. i need to grow up, and stop buying old cars C. look for a blog in the near future about what happens when Mr. bathrobe sees the paint all over the side of his house.

 

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