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Please don't hug me...

look...i don't come from a very affectionate family (oh really? we would have never guessed)...HEY! don't be a smart ass i'm trying to share here... anyway...not a lot of hugs where exchanged.  so, i don't really understand the hug. it's a language i don't speak know what i mean?  like there are hugs for "hey buddy!" and "i am sorry for your loss" and so's a whole subtle language.  but i speak it like a chekloslavokian speaks English- loud clumsy and awkward. 

so..i'm at the grade school reunion thing, and it's hug time.  it's a goodbye hug. so that's one thing it's supposed to say.  but it's also a "long time to see" or "glad to see you" hug. but we also talked about some heavy things so it also could have been a "stay strong hug"...and the devil on my shoulder wanted me to pass along "you are still really hot".  so that's like what five potential things that this hug i supposed to convey. it also needed to say "i had fun" but not like we just won something fun.  

AND you cannot think your way through a hug. it has to be natural.  it is an art not a science. if you try to think your way through it you get disaster. of course once you start thinking "don't over think it" you are screwed.  i started over thinking it while other people where getting goodbye hugs.  i'm like the kid on the on deck circle talking to himself "okay keep the eye on the ball...break the wrists when you follow through, keep that back foot planted..." there is no way you can process all that while the actual pitch is coming your way, so if you're on the on deck circle reciting that, you're done for.  then you look over and see a 95MPH curveball blow past the current batter and your heart just drops.

so it's almost my turn and i'm just trying to relax myself "look it's just a goodby hug you haven't seen this person for two decades who car.." then BAM i wasn't into my groove.  the hug caught me flat footed.  so now i lean in right and i SHOULD have just given the quick wrap around the shoulders squeeze and bam your outta there.  but i was on a stool and she was standing plus her arms came up so i dropped mine...NOW my arms are like down by her lower back. 

 that's...that's not "good to see you buddy" territory"

that's not "hey take it easy" ... you don't hug your brother and have your arms around his lower back...that is all wrong.

you people who were reaise huggin don't realize all the things you have to keep in mind-arm hight, body distance, degree of squeeze...proximity of pelvises.

so i TRY to non chalantly slide my arms up to a respectable position and the graze the bra strap...they might have moved it a little i don't know, i started to lean it as if to get a visual on what the hell was going on with my arms and i may then have gotten to close to her cheek...again  your cheeks don't touch when you hung your brother. now at this point i am just trying to make sure it isn't going on too long.  i realize of course that the mere fact that i had time to complete the thought "is this hug taking to long?" means it was taking to long.

"well, see ya later" i said. 


and that's how you give the creepiest hug in the world.

i wanted to just say "okay...that was a mess start over"  but i thought i shold quite before things got worse...the next hug could have been me hitting me funny bone on the counter, getting a static electric shock, crying with an erection.

i just shook hands after that which, now that i think about it, probably made the creepy hug seem even creepier

handshake, handshake, handshake, long creepy hug with fingers going up the back touching the bra strap while possible talking to himself...handshake, handshake, handshake.

only hug me if it means ONE thing "i wanna do it" or "i'm sorry for your loss" and maybe "get home safe" those are the only  hugs i can speak...everything else and i'm just like the guy speaking broken english hoping you will understand him if he talks slower and louder. 




comments? concerns?



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