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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER
It's time for an intervention.
Okay…this is going to be one of those “I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s for your own good blogs” so just sit back and suck it up, because I’m going to help you stop making an asshole out of yourself in public. Let’s start with that concept “public”
This is the WORLD wide web…it is Public…it can be viewed by anyone. even “private” myspace and facebook accounts can ultimately be viewed by ANYONE who really feels like seeing your site.
That’s the bad news...the good news? No one will, no one does, You are uninteresting, dull, and probably ugly or at least somewhere below attractive. There is nothing wrong with that, you can still be a good person, a value to your friends and family…a better person than me. But just the same...boring and unattractive.
What am I getting at? I have found something even more asinine thaN facebook, it’s called “twitter” but I'll get to that in a minute. I’m not done with how boring and unattractive you are.
I’ll start with you being unattractive. I’ll even bump you up to ordinary…ordinary looking with ordinary looking children. How many pics do you think the internet needs of you and them? I would say zero…but you all want to play the little game of pretending your friends want to see what you are up to. THEY DON,T! you are all egomaniacs who are becoming obsessed with posting pictures of your family…your friends are only looking at yours so that you look at their family….so that THEY have an excuse to put up pics of their kids. You are all just enablers of each others ridiculous exhibitionism. It used to be that if you where a proud parent you carried A picture in your wallet and updated it once a year. That is a proud parent. A healthy amount of pride and sharing of that pride.
SLAPPING UP NEW PICS OF YOUR UGLY BRATS EVERY TWO WEEKS IS NOT HEALTHY…”oh here we are at the mall” “look she’s asleep watching t.v.” “here we are ordering an orange Julius” NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!...
If I had kids and for some reason cared about them I sure as hell wouldn’t put pictures of them up for total strangers to view.
Remember when we where kids and they told us to stay away from strangers…and that the strangers who wanted to hurt us would be clever and act like they know us? GUESS WHAT ASSHOLES…YOU HAVE YOUR KIDS PICS UP RIGHT NEXT TO PICS OF YOU …of YOUR HOUSE…on a profile that probably says -what you do for a living, where you went to school, and what you like and dislike…
how hard is it for some creep to go up to your kid and say “oh your dad told me to pick you up, we met at (insert job listed on your profile) and hang out at (insert local bar where you are pictured drinking on St. Patrick's day) and we’re all going to go to see (insert your favorite movie as listed on your profile) get in the car. There is one last thing that will be inserted…into your child…wanna guess what it is? no, I'll tell you ..it's...his penis! :D hey, thanks for listing everything he needed to know to gain your brats trust! next weeks pics won't be "here he is at the gap" it'll be "here he is on a milk carton...while someone violates his gap." lol :(
So all you ”proud” parents are actually being WILDLY irresponsible. But more importantly than that you are insane. Do you honestly believe that somehow there is a need or desire for us all to see weekly updates of your family? WE DON’T CARE. Hey…don’t blame me, blame facebook because every time you add a pic it sends me a “update” saying “joe shmoe added pics to his “ugly family” album. Every time I log in I have to sift through 36 updates that aren’t really updates and delete them. No one cares about your children except their grandparents and they don’t know how to use facebook. IF THEY DO…it means they don’t like you and want a way to see the kids without seeing you.
You are egomaniacs …want me to prove it to you? Look at your vacation pics…ANY of you. You are in some wonderful place- the grand canyon or the ifel tower, or mount Rushmore, or Venice, and every picture is OF YOU AND YOUR FUCKING UGLY KIDS! We KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, WE GOT WEDNESDAYS UPDATE. If we DID care about seeing Mount Rushmore we want to see pics of MOUNT RUSHMORE. Get it? get the kids out of the way and take a picture of the place you are only going to go to once in your boring ass life.
And onto that….here is why your life is boring, here is why you don’t have the house you want, the job you want, enough time to spend with your ugly children…you spend too much time online doing meaningless shit. Think about how much time you WASTE here. (and i'm not saying all time spent online is a waste...THIS blog for instance is vital...why, i just saved some of your ugly children from being sodomized...at least until they get to college and are willingly sodomized.)
I went onto facebook the other day (as you may know I think facebook is to myspace what an Honda is to a corvette…
”oh I just want to get from point A to point B…I don’t need anything fun”
then kill yourself right now because we spend 10% of our adult lives in our cars if you don’t care whether or not your car is fun then you have real self esteem issues-
same goes for facebook…if you are going to indulge yourself at least do it on a provider that is fun i.e. myspace)…what was I...oh yeah…I was on face book the other day and I saw countless hours had been lost to filling out “what kind of candy would you be?” “twenty weird things about you” “what soap opera star would you be” and so on….are you people shitting me? this is what you do all day? I hope on your deathbed you have visions of this wasted time ...
NO! HERE IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
…I am going to make one of you my hobby. TONIGHT i am going to randomly pic one of you and starting tonight…I am going to copy every one of these surveys you filled out, every questionnaire…I am going to copy every single pic you post and every nutty little phrase you change on your profile…and I’m going to make a BIG scrap book…and I’m going to day by day figure out how many hours you wasted and I’m going to keep that in the scrap book too and I’m going to call the scrape book ‘THINGS I PISSED AWAY MY YOUNG AND HEALTHY YEARS ON’ and I’m going to present it to you when you are 80 and wheeling around in hoverchair and breathing from an oxygen tank. And I’m going to say" what’s a matter? Your penis is all old and shriveled up from whatever pills they give you to stay alive? Your legs are to old and sickly to climb stairs? Arms to fragile to open the door to the big old outside…that’s okay I’ll just crack open this book and remember a happier time when you where so old and decrepid...why i bet this'll jog some memories of you living life to the fullest! onto page 765 wensday april 5th 2010 when you where young and strong and virile and your wife and kids where alive…man she was good looking back then huh? And YOU my friend where healthy as an ox! Boy I bet you two torn up the bedroom huh? And pushed your kids on the swings all day afterward…uhmm…no no you spent half an hour filling out a questioner to find out that IF you where a candy you would be a jolly rancher, and you spent an hour uploading pictures of your kids…why…that MORE TIME THAN YOU SPENT WITH THE KIDS that day…weird….oh well I’ll just leave this book here for you to look through."
"Maybe the nurse will help you turn the pages back to when you lost that promotion to the guy who didn’t spend all day updating the rest of us to how bored he is. You know what? just incase she's busy i'm going to come back tomorrow when they are changing your diaper and open to when you where in your early thirties...and you sat in front of a video game for ten hours a day as the low level radiation slowly gave you prostate cancer, and made you impotent...not that you used your penis from the age of 25 on...let's see what happened at age 25?...OH here it is page 236 Halo 5 came out! yeehaw!"
and then i'll laugh! "ha ha ha HA HAAA HAH AHAAA cough HAH AHAAAAA..." I'll be old and feeble too of course, but MY scrap book will be filled with pics of me getting every last drop out of life, using my ambition, using my talent, DOING REAL TANGIBLE THINGS like sleeping with your girlfriend...and then your wife...and eventually your daughter. "HA HA HAAAA WHEEZE COUGH HAAAA" a toothless scraggly withered Douglas will be looking down on you laughing and demanding that they not pull your plug! "NO! keep him alive! i haven't even gotten to how much money he spend on collectable toys!"
Am I being to subtle?
1-stop pissing your life away. You are young and strong enough to run and play and have sex and get drunk or high or whatever and there you sit playing on facebook and DON’T GET ME STARTED ON VIDEO GAMES...STOP IT.
2-if you are going to waste your youth, do it in private, stop boring the rest of us by posting the bits of your wasted youth in the form of “twenty things you don’t know about me”
now there are exceptions to the rule...there ARE people posting pics and posting writings that are actually worth seeing and reading...they are not you. in fact there is not even a grey area here. they are young and hot and weird and living very reckless and carefree lives. NOW...in a few years they will all be stuck in dead end jobs or BE dead or just burdens to society because they didn't plan ahead...while you have a good job, family, house ect...they have their place, you have yours. the two should never change places. because when you do you have a research facility being run by a twenty year old girl with blue hair who is stoned out of her mind and YOU posting pics on face book. see, you posting things online is an EQUAL calamity with with her running a research facility. it is the ying and yang of not knowing your place in the world.
Onto something even worse that facebook and myspace...TWITTER. if you are on twitter and you are not A-using it to promote yourself as an entertainer. B. a teenage girl or c. trying to screw a teenage girl, than you are a dipshit.
Do you honestly think anyone wants to read your minute by minute musings of the day? “just left tacobell…they don’t have a “small” coke…but if a medium is the smallest drink isn’t that really a small?”.
ARE YOU SHITTING ME? THAT ISN’T EVEN WORTH SAYING OUTLOUD IN THE MOMENT much less electronically saving and sending across the WWW.
You know what, I’m going to add group A as well. If you are trying to promote yourself as an entertainer and Twitter is the best use of your time you need to rethink your long term plan. i give you all one week to stop using twitter...AND all YOU MEN on twitter... the only ones reading your little anecdotes are your wives or girlfriends making sure you are staying out of trouble. I think back to many years ago when they first invented "Beepers". my friend was given a beeper by his girlfriend for his birthday, and one day it went off and he called her and when he hung up he threw the beeper as far as he could into the street. because he realized right then and there the beeper was not a gift...it was a leash. fast forward two decades and you married guys are not only checking in...not only a mere cell phone call away from being henpecked...you are checking in hour by hour without being asked...and you think you are rock stars. you're shmucks! you're lap dogs! free yourselfs!all of you...this is your warning...start living your fucking lives! i'm not saying stay off the internet...i'm saying use it wisely...surveys about what you would be?? come on everybody...do you mean to tell me you ran out of porn and ueseless stuff to buy on ebay?! just keep in mind the spector of me showing up on your deathbed with a scrapebook of your logged on time...how thick would you like that book to be?