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The following blog is rated X you have been warned

First a blanket apology, a friend of mine alerted me to the fact that I've been kind of a knob lately.  no doubt the holiday season weighing on my mind has put me in a sour mood.  now usually I'm in a sour mood but at least have some charm attached to it. lately all knob no charm. so...sorry.

also I'm a dumper...something bad happens to me and i dump it.  i tell a friend, i bitch to whoever is responsible or if it's just ridiculous and no ones fault i put it here.  in any case i get things off my chest and that's how i deal with stuff.  when i don't get to do that...i get a little difficult.

Two women in my life have put me in a real sour mood, but i'm not ready to get into that right now...later.

what i CAN dump on you now is something truly awful.  and i mentioned that i am a dumper to answer the question you will  no doubt be screaming at your computer in a paragraph or three "why would you tell me that?!"

i am also a very visual person. obviously this helps in my work.  i process information into visual pictures. this isn't voluntary it's just the way my brain works.  helps with my business...harms me in almost every other facet of my life.

rewind to me in my basement/office.  my office is a room i made in the basement. The basement door has a padlock and latch.  SO, I'm in my office drawing with headphones as loud as they go so as to not hear the neighbors child screaming and carrying on.  it's 1:00am so that is prime time for this particular three year old. i get a little bleary eyed and decide to take a break.  I lock the padlock and get a couple steps up the stairs when i turn off the headphones and hear...

THEM...screwing...loudly.  Now, i should mention at this point I'm wearing the heaviest boots i own (in a petty response to their noise, i now walk around in heavy boots at all hours of the night so they can't sleep) and there is no way i can make it up the stairs without them hearing.  probably for alot of you this wouldn't be a big deal you'd just go right up.  but i for varios reasons didn't want to be heard as they carry on. alot of them having to do with...well when you're single and in your thirties during the holidyas you sort of feel like a creep to begin with and in a sienfield like senario you try  hard to avoid looking like a creep.

 1-i might seem a little creepy walking up the stairs from the basement while they are screwing having been downstairs in a prime location to be ease dropping on their horrible act (they wouldn't know i had headphones on and couldn't hear them.)

2-i didn't want to interrupt the act and have them start over, since you can actualy hear them anywere and the sooner it's over the better. 

3-i dunno...the four year old in me just sort of froze up.  so, i'm frozen in my tracks i can't go back into the basement because i locked it and the keys are upstairs. and simply standing in one place with the headphones way up would only lead to one of then coming out and seeing me standing on the dark stairway...the creepiest of all scenarios.

at this point let me say that "porno talk is for people who look like porn stars"  fat sweaty people who are missing teeth and smell like chili shouldn't use porno talk unless they are in a bank vault inside a bomb shelter...with no lights.  he's where my world class visual imagination cost me twelve years of therapy.

"oohh daddy!" is repeated-at this point let me say "oh daddy" shouldn't be used when you are screwing someone who's at least ten years older than you. the only thing that could have been more uncomfortable yet appropriate would have been for her to call out "cheeseburger"

and then...oh wait let me step back, the other day she was shouting from the bathroom to her daughter 'BRING MOMMA A TAMPON!!...AND CLEAN PANTIES".  up until this night i figured that would be the most horrible thing i ever heard.

and then..."oh daddy F*ck me in my a*S"

oh lord no...i take my knit cap off and twist it in my hands and look around neviously for some way to make this all end. i look down in hopes that my boots were replaced by ruby slippers.  no such luck.

""my a*s...f*ck me in it!"  which is, allow me to point out, grammatically incorrect as this implies more that the both of them would be fucking inside her ass. in any case the visual begins to creep in just as the rapid spastic squeaking is replaced by the unholy creak of two fat disgusting people changing positions.

my subconscious-she can't get pregnant that way...YEAH F*CK HER IN THE A*S!

me-shut up! shut up!  get us out of here!  think of something!

My subconscious-you should have just walked up when they were yelling...they might not have noticed, now it's slow grunting


my have your leatherman tool right?

me- yeah!

my subconscious-go back, use the Phillips head on the tool to unscrew the latch on the door and go back in and put your radio/headphones back on.


of course there are no lights because the neighbors took them all.  you know how hard it is to find the Phillips head on the leatherman tool, open it, and unscrew three Phillips head screws with only the light from your cell phone while you are crying? it's fuckin hard.  

the porno talk got louder and more lewd and her high pitch started to mimic the screams of the springs.

and of course as soon as i got the door open the squeeking stopped and mercifully it was over.

allow me to comment on this act as long as we've gone this far.  the climax was a series of rapid pounding that stops IMMEDIATELY.

POUND POUND POUND POUND ...then nothing.  there is no drop off of the pounding.  no slowing down or reduction in thrust.  no even brief drop off.  just POUND POUND POUND ...then nothing. do you do that?  did he knock himself unconscious at the last thrust and collapse or what? i mean ..the guys only good for three minutes (thank merciful lord) that's not that strange...but the abrupt's like he's a pilot and instead of a gradual three point landing he just plows into the terminal and then non- chalantly strolls down the stairs taking off his pilot hat and tucking it under his arm.

weird right?

oh during the time i was screwing my latch BACK onto the door i hear the kid get up and start running around.  so...the kid heard everything too. my only hope here is that his first words might now be "oh daddy i'm coming all over your cock" was your weekend?


comments? concerns?



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