I'm here to help


So, a friend of mine is going through a divorce.  actually a couple of them are...and given the world we live in a lot of you are.  As a divorce veteran I'm gonna give you my best advice, mixed in with advice I got that helped me.

1-You are going to be miserable, angry, full of regret and blame down to your bones for around 3-6 months, accept this as fact. 

2-You are going to be a total pain in the ass and have your head up your ass for 3-6 months, accept this as fact. Numerous times you will THINK you are over the hump and have it all straightened out.  This is a clear way of knowing you have your head up your ass.  Only when you realize, you don't actually know where it went wrong and never will and are tired of caring, are you over the hump.

3-Your friends are not going to help you.  Accept this as fact.  Unless they have gone through a divorce they do not know what you are going through and their reactions and aid will range from changing the subject, non-helpful blaming of the other party, or assuming that you are over it/ it's not as bad emotionally as it actually is.  This does not make them bad people (most of them)...they are simply not equipped to help you very much.

4-Don't hang around with fellow losers and have a pity party.  If you know someone who's been divorced, who now has their shit together GREAT spend time with that person vent, bitch, lament,  but do not surround yourself with fellow miserable people and dry each others tears.  You need to move forward as quickly as possible. Surround yourself with people who have their act together, not degenerates who just want to get laid, do drugs, get drunk and feel sorry for themselves.  Plenty of time for that AFTER you are over the hump.

5-You need progress.  You need little victories.  Accomplish small goals.  Work out.  Complete projects...hell, clean out the garage, just accomplish things so that you have something to show for yourself at the end of each day.  This will do wonders for your bruised self esteem.

6-Make a schedule, keep to it.  You do not want to be looking forward to endless days with nothing to do, and no reason to get up in the morning.  You are emotionally a drift.  You need to combat this by having as much literal stability in your life as possible.  Again...plenty of time to lay around and play playstation for 7 hours AFTER it's all over.

7-If there is a way to fix it DO IT, try it and do so immediately.  You do not want to spend the later part of the 3-6 months wondering "what if i tried blah blah blah once more."  fire all of your guns and be done with it.

8-DO NOT for one second think that any dating you do is going to lead to anything.  You are a wreck right now and your life and emotional state scream "I am a wreck"  anyone who would date you right now is either just using you, or is also a wreck (include wildly immature to the "wreck" definition), or is fooling themselves and going to lead you both into a shitstorm.  

9-I don't know what "9" is...Seems like I had 9 but I can't remember what it was. For all i know "9" might be a addendum to one of the previous "8" things i just listed.

1o.Don't have kids.  This doesn't really have anything to do with divorce, it's just sound advice.  Stop having kids. They're loud, they're obnoxious, they're dirty and they spread more germs than rats. If you do have kids and can't control them  don't move into a duplex and drive the guy upstairs crazy with your choas, noise, and ridiculous lifestyle.

11.If the guy has to keep coming down stairs and screaming at you to keep it down, don't look all surprised when he laughs at you when you tell him your kid broke his leg.

12. Don't leave your kids home alone, to go get drunk, because when you're gone the guy upstairs shuts off all there power from the breaker box and makes scary noises into the heater vents until they are crying.

13. Don't complain when the guy runs the lawn mower right over all the toys your horrible kids left in the yard "brrzzzarrppp!!!! man...THAT felt good.

14 Don't have kids and then let THEM decide when they go to bed because a 3 year old and an 8 year old will NEVER go to bed. They'll just keep running around yeowling like the sub-humans that they are until the guy upstairs brings his 5hp air compressor into the house and runs it full boar a 4am for twenty minutes as payback.

15. Don't be surprised when child protective services shows up with a bunch pictures of your little baboons running around in the alley unsupervised because I've finally had it and while I don't condone the state taking people's kids, sleep deprivation does take it's toll on your ideology.


Well there you go, I hope that helped.






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