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Wednesday, June 04, 2008 



Waiting for the bus yesterday I see a crowd of kids walking up to me.  I see them from a block away and the all have hoodies on and look like no goodnicks.  As they get closer I see that they are all retarded and have a couple of chaperones with them.  There I am at a bus stop surrounded by retarded people and I'm dressed just like them. We all stand there in mass as cars drive by and I pray no one I know drives by with a camera phone.  I can only imagine what would be done with a picture of me surrounded by retards. 


As I stand there I notice that some of them are also deaf.  They are sign languaging to each other. And laughing…I can only assume that I am now the butt of some inside joke.  A nightmarish scenario crosses my mind, I envision that whatever about me that they find funny spreads through the retard community and I become the weirdo that they all talk about.  Cart pushers, grocery baggers clerks at taco bell, they all snicker and chuckle at me as I go by … As I leave with my nachos the retard clerk says to the other retard clerk "that's beard guy that tommy was telling us about he he he".  Back to the actual world.  I remember a little bit of sign language from back when I was a boy scout and as near as I could make out the one was just saying "a a a a a a a a". so he was either having an orgasm or his crumpled retard hands could only make the letter "a".  the romantic in me likes to think he was fucking with the other retard.


The bus comes and we pile in and surprisingly they all separate.  I imagine if I got on one stop later…I would notice one as I sat down…then another then another as though the retard FBI was about to decend on and arrest me.  Needless to say I won't be taking the bus anymore. On other note the word "retard" is regognized by my spell check.  It doesn't turn the word red or correct it to retarded…that's not nice, retard shouldn't be a legitimate word.


Later I'm in the library minding my own business, trying to find books on cults and the KKK.  If the government ever pulls my files from my library card I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do.  In the last month I've gotten books on autopsies, teddy Roosevelt, religious cults, terrorist cults, the KKK, eye surgery, Hitler, the Gestapo and about half a dozen dr. suess books..  The librarian doesn't know what I do for a living and is eventually going to have the FBI check on me.  The real fbi not the retard fbi.


Anyway then I get on the computer.  Next to me is a fat black lady, she 's confused about something and talking on a cell phone trying to get help.  Normally people talking in the library drive me crazy. And usually I start up with them but I felt it was better that she ask someone else instead of me for help.


But the talking continues and gets louder.  At this point I figure I didn't say anything before so I forfeit my chance to bitch. Someone else does…"hey lady there's no talking in here".  So she wiggles her head at him and says something smart ass and he backs off. Then she says to whomever is on the other end "people are acting a fool at me because I'm on a cell phone…I dunno, because I'm black." ...okay fine...i now feel like getting involved.  And as I open my mouth time freezes and I think of all the times I have to lay the "shut up" or "hurry up" down on someone and other people go "I was hoping SOMEONE would say something" I wonder what it must be like to be those people…who just wait for someone else to spout off…it must be nice. It must be nice to not have the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when someone is being obnoxious… I say "no It's because you're a jackass and you can't read the BIG RED SIGN on your computer that says no talking or cells phones…although everybody knows black people can't read…so I guess in a round about way it IS because you're black" this gets the response I assumed it would.  99 times out of a hundred the person who says "it's because I am black" knows full well that it is NOT because they are black.  So when you call their bluff they are shocked and dumbfounded.  Her jaw hit the floor and couldn't belief someone was actually treating her bad because she was black. 


I continue on in a calm matter of fact manner.  "that's the problem with you black people" I continue "I don't know how you got into the library anyway…"…she is now very confused as though she just saw the easter bunny knowing full well that a 6 foot rabbit is just something you tell kids. "I hate you black people…see I got this book right here…" I hold up the KKK book. "there all sorts of chapters on why you guys suck…there's one called black people and cell phones, lemme find it" I thumb through it a little then toss it back down "I can't find it but it's in there…about you guys and cell phones…talking loud" I go back to typing.


She sat there silent and unmoving for minutes…cell phone still in her hand. Then goes "how the hell you gonna tell a person-" I cut off with a "you're not a person your black" Then she starts to swear at me just as the librarian comes in.  Apparently the first guy ran and told on her before I started needling her so she was primed and ready for a fit just when he walked in.  She starts ranting and swearing in a confused and angry fashion unable explain what is going on without cursing.  The librarian keeps interrupting her after every swear word telling her not to swear and she keeps starting the story over with a swear word.  You know how when your call waiting clicks when someone is talking and you say you didn't hear them and every time they repeat what they where saying the call waiting clicks on the same word you didn't hear...very frustrating….soon he tells her he's gonna call the cops if she doesn't calm down. I calmly say only loud enough for her to hear 

"yep he'll call it in a 614 in progress…black person in the library" 

at this point the guy next to me can't hold back his laughter anymore and gets up and leaves.  The librarian thinks he ran out because of the obnoxious woman…she responds at me with another outburst and the librarian runs to call the cops. I was very amused with myself.  The effect was diluted though when my black friend came in to get me because he was ready to help fix my car.  See that's what I'm talking about black people ruin everything.


I didn't even get to see how it turned out.




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