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 A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER

 

This is why famous people are mean to you

OR

"It would be better if you just said thank you and went on your way" 

OR 

I DON'T have people for that.

 

point of fact- when i started doing comics i was put off by how off putting the older pros where.  they where rude, standoffish and usually complete dicks to the people who came up to see them or get an autograph.  i would think to myself "why bother showing up if you don't want to deal with people?"  ...so to avoid being a hypocrite i'm going to cut back even further on the number of shows i do.

 

this e-mail is a fine example of why i'm going to cut back AND why i'm going back to having my e-mailed pre read and screened out.

and maybe this person is going to be getting the treatment here  undeservingly because i deal with this sort of thing all the time. but that's his own bad luck.  he is the straw that broke the camels back. just read through it and pretend you are me and pretend this is the 99th such e-mail you have gotten this month.

...

I absolutely love and adore your books and work. I had met you at Orlando FL Mega Con and had no idea who you were and what you did. I have 2 suggestions. Get a real web site for your amazing content. Your site is hard to navigate, and something I expect was made in 98' and never updated. go to jerkoff designs.com (the web site is not actually called that, i just felt like adding a mean name instead of plugging the actual site) if you need a guy, which I'm sure you dont, Peter Tucker, great site maker. Number two is start a "real" Podcast, and subscribe with the iTunes store to get your name out there, get listeners, get money. I dont really care, i just like what you do.


 

David B.

 the following tirade will seem winey and bitchy but keep in mind that the problems with this e-mail are problems i have to plow through on a daily basis

First off...FIRST OFF..the cynic in me thinks this guy either IS jerk off designs or knows jerk off designs and the entire point of the e-mail is to sell me on having this guy redo my website.  about 10% of my e-mail directly after a show is salesmen who either came by the booth and wrote down the website OR just made note of all the websites/pros that where going to be at the show and then e-mail claiming to have met them and then trying to sell them something. ..i.e "hey nice to meet you at blah blah con, really loved you work...though you might want to check out our new line of p.o.p. display products"  and often times these products have ZERO to do with whatever you had at your table.  like, they are selling glass cases for autographed baseballs or something.   the fact that this guy never mentions anything in particular about my "work" nor does he mention the name of my "work"...leads me to think he's a jerkoff trying to get me to use his jerk off web design services.
 

but let's give this dope the benefit of the doubt and say he isn't a salesman.  lets say...he is exactly who he claims to be.  so, assuming that, what am i all irked about?

 well to start with, his two "suggestions" are actually insults/complaints.   he bitches about/mocks the website, then says i should start a "real" podcast which obviously means that the current one, in his pea brain, is not real.  and now that i think about it...him saying he never heard of me before is sort of a insult as well.

 

the two complaints may have merit.  the website is outdated, and the podcast is not on i-tunes. but here is why he is a jerk off- 

ONE...he admits to never having heard of me before the orlando con, and yet thinks i should give a shit what he has to say.  i obviously have been doing just fine without him.  people who wander along and assume their fucking low 50's i.q. solution or advice that they came up with after considering my entire body of work for exactly one synapse is going to be something i haven't thought of yet drives me nuts.  like what kind of world do these jerk offs live in?  do they just go through their day thinking that every thought in their head is am epiphany to the entire human race.

 

NO SHIT THE WEBSITE IS OUTDATED...now ...lets think one tiny step past stimulus/response...and ask WHY it might be outdated.  perhaps...i don't give a shit about it right now?  perhaps i have more important things to worry about?  he is aware of the podcast so he must have learned that i am working on a cartoon...perhaps i am waiting until THAT is done before i redo the website since the website will need to be redone after that anyway...or MAYBE i just flat out don't give a shit because at the end of the day NO ONE  is going to stop going to the website because there are broken links here and there or because it isn't full of bells and whistles.  NO ONE...they may bitch,  they may sigh or moan, but they are not going to stop coming to a website that has content they like because it's not as flashy as jerkoffdesigns.com.  ever hear of the drudge report?   it's only like the most heavily traveled non porn website out there...ever been to it?  is it full of flashy bells and whistles?  no...it's not. it's layout couldn't be more basic and that doesn't stop people from going there.

 

i've been doing this for TEN YEARS AND over the course of those ten years i have learned that many things that people complain about have ZERO bearing on whether or not they will keep picking up my comics. It's just true...it's like...would I like Fiona Apple more if she wasn't a vegan? of course, but at the end of the day i'd still stab you in the face to sleep with her. 

now then...if you want to HELP with whatever problem you notice, then you are not an asshole, you are a solution, a helpful person.  but to simply point out a flaw ,under the wild narcissistic assumption that you are the only one to think of it, and leave it at that as though i am now supposed to jump up, stop what i'm doing and fix the thing you noticed...may be the height of delusion.  and him directing me to some other website is not a solution...it is a choir.  a solution would be for HIM on his own to get the the entire website redone and offer it to me on a jump drive.  "gee Doug that's a hell of alot of work"  yeah, no shit, which is why I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.

 

all the same points go for the podcast...except for one more thing.  i GUARANTEE you...that if i charged for the podcast this asshole personally would not buy it.  i would love for you to live in my skin for a day and hear all the crazy ass ideas people think i should spend my time and money on doing- fetus chess sets, arsenic lullaby thermoses, voodoo joe action figures...and on and on...and these all SOUND great...at first...but the question is WHO'S GOING TO BUY THEM?   what percentage of Arsenic Lullaby readers are GOING TO WANT TO BUY A CHESS SET IN THEIR LIVES?  hmmm?  let's be generous and say 10%.  now how many of them are going to be willing to pay 40.00 for a chess set?  I'd bet that numbers drops to 2 or less of arsenic lullaby readers who don't have anything better to spend there money on than a fetus chess set.  which would leave me with quite alot of chess sets in my garage and only 80.00 to put towards the cost of their production.  ALL THE WHILE THE OTHER ARSENIC LULLABY FANS MISS OUT ON MORE ACTUAL CONTENT BECAUSE I WASTED TIME MAKING CHESS SETS INSTEAD OF JOKES.

 

NOW, the POINT of the podcast is to have another reason for people to come to the website and then notice where i am going to be appearing, and when new things are going to be available to buy.  if i start charging for that how many people are going to stop listening to it?  if it's even 10% less I've still shot myself in the foot.  NOT TO MENTION...if they are getting it on i-tunes instead of my website then the traffic to MY website that i generate with the podcast is now down to zero.  

And buy the way...this is more evidence that this guy hasn't though his suggestion through or perhaps never listened to a podcast.  in nearly every single podcast i declare that i will start doing it every week...that was in like October...there are what...15 podcasts up?  now, i don't have a math degree or anything but i know there have been alot more than 15 weeks between now and october...which brings us to the second thing i say on nearly very podcast - we had trouble uploading the previous cast...now if we can't even get the fucker to load on OUR OWN SITE...AND by this guys own statement the website is outdated...HOW THE FUCK DOES HE THINK I'M GOING TO MANAGE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT ON I-TUNES?  i just don't have time for that shit right now. AND..i don't want to end up doing podcasts for a living. i know it's all fun for you guys to listen to me have a fit about something, but i don't want to have a stroke when i'm forty because i'm yelling into a computer. and as for doing this to "get my name out there"...i get a million suggestions on how i should "get my name out there" and i appreciate it folks but again...I have though about all this already.  and the time i spend putting this on i-tunes with a ocean of other podcasts is not going to be as effective as me just doing another page for MAD magazine...which is in every bookstore on the planet and only has 20 other contributors.  same goes for posting my stuff on whatever message board or fansite you happen to go to.  NOW if YOU want to post stuff FOR ME on the message board or fansite, that would be great. but I only get 24 hours a day, so i have to prioritize between doing things for national magazines that pay $$$ and slapping up jpegs on every fansite that you good folks come up with.  and when i say "you folks" i mean everyone but this guy.

there are plusses to putting it on i-tunes ($$$), and i have thought about it and MAY do it after the cartoon is up and running. 

 

In this guys defense, i think it is human nature when you meet someone who's work you admire to say "i loved it except for blah blah blah".  part of it is, i think, not wanting to seem like a suck up, and wanting to show that you have some insight.  a better way of dealing with this is to point out something specific that you liked and go into why you liked it.  that shows insight and shows that you are not just a suck up but have given thought as to why you like the work.  put yourself in the entertainers shoes...would you rather hear "i really thought the way you set up the timing helped give that piece some punch" OR " i liked it but you spelled "to" the wrong way...it was supposed to be "too"...as thought I didn't notice that i used the wrong "to" as soon as the final printed product was in my hands and went " SON OF A BITCH!!!" and drop kicked a box of the books down the stairs.

 

the points you need to remember ...not just in dealing with me but in life.

 

1-your first contact with someone, if you want the person to give a shit, should not be a complaint.

2-do not assume you are the first person to notice or think of something that is in reality very very obvious

3-present a solution to any flaws, problems or complaints you have...do not just stumble up like a toddler handing a broken toy over and saying "fix it"...ESPECIALLY FOR A FREE SERVICE.  there is no cost to go to my website, no cost to read the blogs, no cost to read the sneak previews, no cost for the podcast...AND YET THIS GUY IS BITCHING THAT IT IS "HARD" 

I'd  like to dwell on the part where he calls navigating on the website "hard".

hard is changing oil for a living.  if a link is broken you click on the little arrow that sends you back to the last page you looked at...to me that seems easy, not hard.  and maybe it's because i grew up with a black and white t.v. with two staticy channels that i think something like a broken link is not worth mentioning at all much less shooting off an e-mail to a guy who's work is seen by 400,000 people.

 

but doug he's a fan and says he "adores" your book...

fuck him, he's a prick.  he can adore me with his money and not contact me personally again. and since he never actually mentioned ANYTHING that i did that he liked...how do we know he even read any of my work?  TRUST ME...for him to send an e-mail and not mention any joke, blog, or quote is very very odd.  The reason someone sends me an e-mail is because something i did stuck in there head long enough to get to the computer and 999 times out of 1000 the e-mailer will mention the specific thing from the book that promped the e-mail.   ( i don't know why this type keeps switching from maroon to black, other than fate wanting to add some irony to me bitching about someone telling me to get help on the webite while i can't even get the font color to stick)

 

this all brings me to another problem i have to address.  between my two different e-mail addresses, along with myspace, facebook, the facebook fan club i keep an eye on, the comic art fans page, and who the hell knows what the next thing will be, i spend like an hour a day sorting through it all to make sure i'm not missing any important e-mails.  so i am going to stop posting on my facebook page completely, only post links to the blog on myspace and facebook instead of the whole blog (started doing this already actually) and set up a rss feed on my actual website and add a message board.  so that all these things funnel into my website instead of the other way around.  so get ready for all that some time this month.

 

...speaking of the podcast...i am going to explain to all of you why you should NOT listen to anything your college professors have to say ...on this web site...for free Monday, if i can get it to load.

in the meantime, here is a template you can use when e-mailing me

1-state your name

2-tell me how great i am or my writing is.

3-make your point, ask your question or offer your services.

4-ask how you can buy something or where i will be appearing next

5-close the e-mail with a quote from the book, driving the point home that you are an actual reader.

 

 

 comments? concerns?

douglaspasz@gmail.com

myspace.com/douglasarseniclullaby

www.arseniclullabies.com


 

 

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